ALIEN CHRISTMAS

Screenplay

Todd Colby Pliss

Story by

Todd Colby Pliss

Steve Stevens, Jr.

Todd Pliss

818-880-4292/saxon17@earthlink.net

EXT. NORTH POLE - EVENING

Christmas Eve. Light snow falls on a smattering of buildings.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Heavyset man, age unknown but old, weathered appearance, long

gray beard, and big gut - KRIS KRINGLE. Breathes heavily, barely

squeezes into his red suit, he tries to zip it up, but his

stomach is too big. He sighs.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Chaos, hustle and bustle in a flurry of activity as preparations

are made for Santa's annual journey. ELVES load toys, harness

reindeer, polish the sleigh, etc. Santa, eating a hot dog, is

approached by MERVYN ROSENBERG, 26, nerdy, short, wearing

glasses and a bow-tie, grasping multiple thick stacks of

paperwork.

MERVYN

(holding a stack of paper)

Mr. Kringle, this really needs your

attention. Being as the Polar Bear is

now officially an endangered species,

the Environmental Impact Report must

be completed and notarized.

(holding up another stack of

papers)

In the case of being compliant with

the Natural Resources Defense Council,

you will need to...

SANTA CLAUS

Now is not a good time, Mervyn.

Santa walks away.

MERVYN

Mr. Kringle, as your legal counsel, I

must advise you of the consequences

North Pole Enterprises will face if...

(calling out)

The deadline is January 1.

INT. ELVES WORK AREA - NIGHT

ELVES, including MARSTAD, 25, German, sporting a punk hairdo and

tattoos and OGNIAN, 35, red haired and muscular, gather around

Santa's right-hand elf and elf union representative, BENNY, 50

and clean cut.

MARSTAD

You said you'd talk to the fat man

about our issues.

OGNIAN

Yeah, Benny, you promised to do so.

ELVES

YEAH!

BENNY

I will, I will.

OGNIAN

What about our raises, which were due

to us months ago?

MARSTAD

And what about our health benefits? I

got a bad back and who do you think

pays for the damn chiropractor - ME!

That's who.

ELF #3

What about our 401K retirement plan -

where's that been, huh?

Shouts from the crowd are heard: "Cheap Bastard", "Strike on the

Fat Man", "Elves are People Too", "No Slave Labor", etc. Santa

walks by. Place goes silent.

SANTA CLAUS

Why are you all standing around?

(clapping hands twice)

Hop, hop. There is work to be done.

Santa exits. Marstad starts towards him. Ognian holds him back.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - BEDROOM - NIGHT

MRS. CLAUS, elderly but spry, thin and dyed dark hair, lays in

bed, watching television.

ANGLE ON: TELEVISION SCREEN

Camera pans a massive platter of shrimp.

ON TELEVISION (V.O.)

Shrimp.

YOUNG GIRL eats a shrimp.

YOUNG GIRL

I love shrimp!

YOUNG BOY eats a shrimp.

YOUNG BOY

I love shrimp!

ON TELEVISION (V.O.)

If you're craving shrimp, Crazy Stan's

All-U-Can-Eat Shrimp Emporium means

shrimp, shrimp, shrimp! Even the jumbo

guy loves our jumbo shrimp.

"Santa Claus", played by a short Asian woman, stuffs her face

with shrimp.

ASIAN SANTA CLAUS

Ho-Ho-Ho. I can't get enough shrimp at

Crazy Stan's All-U-Can-Eat Shrimp

Emporium.

ON TELEVISION (V.O.)

Shrimp! Shrimp! Shrimp!

ANGLE ON: Santa Claus standing in the doorway.

SANTA CLAUS

I am allergic to shellfish. I ought to

confer with my legal counsel. I've

become a laughing stock. These

hucksters have me hawking so much

crud.

MRS. CLAUS

Pumpkin, you're taking yourself much

too seriously.

Santa sits beside her.

SANTA CLAUS

Rose, all these studies and reports

which Mervyn is insisting on me...

MRS. CLAUS

(putting finger to her lips)

Shush, I'm watching Jerry Springer.

SANTA CLAUS

Mr. Springer has a permanent spot on

my naughty list. The junk they put on

these days. With radio, children had

to use their imagination. In this day

and age, nothing is left to the

imagination.

MRS. CLAUS

Oh, it's not that bad.

SANTA CLAUS

Do you remember, dear, when we would

stay up all night listening to the

Tommy Dorsey orchestra, dancing the

night away.

(grinning)

Those were the days.

MRS. CLAUS

Those were enjoyable times.

Benny peeks in.

BENNY

Time to go, Boss.

MRS. CLAUS

Millions of children depend on you.

SANTA CLAUS

Millions of children question whether

I even exist. How relevant am I in

this day and age?

MRS. CLAUS

I will not hear any of this. You bring

joy to the world. You're all stressed.

Why did you stop your meditation?

SANTA CLAUS

Meditation schmeditation.

Benny peeks in.

BENNY

Boss?

Santa bends down, kisses his wife on the cheek, then exits.

MRS. CLAUS

(calling out)

Don't forget to take your medicine.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Santa stands before the medicine cabinet. He opens a pill

bottle.

SANTA CLAUS

High blood pressure. Ha! What do

doctors know?

EXT. REINDEER STABLES - NIGHT

Santa pets the reindeer, whom appear past their prime, as they

are graying, a bit heavy.

SANTA CLAUS

Vancer, Prancer, Rudolph....all my

loyal team. My old friends, I do hope

you are enjoying your retirement. I

wonder how long it will be before they

put me out to pasture.

Santa slips on reindeer manure.

EXT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

A large group of ELVES gather around Santa's sleigh, red,

containing a front bench-like seat and an ample back area with a

covered roof, which is loaded up with overstuffed sacks of toys.

Younger, spry REINDEER are harnessed to it. Santa and Benny walk

towards the sleigh; Benny helps him in. Santa notices a strange

object on top the sleigh.

SANTA CLAUS

The toys are supposed to be in the

sacks.

BENNY

Boss, this is no toy. It's GPS.

SANTA CLAUS

GP what?

BENNY

Global positioning system. It uses

satellite technology. This year,

you're going to be twenty-three

percent more efficient. It tells you

where to go. It even talks to you.

Benny presses one of the gadget's buttons - in a computer voice

- a sophisticated female British accent - it speaks: "You are

now at the North Pole traveling zero miles per hour. No more

information is available."

SANTA CLAUS

I don't need this.

BENNY

After tonight, you'll wonder how you

ever lived without it. It's the

future.

Benny notices Santa's suit is not on properly; he zips him up.

BENNY

Suck it in, Boss.

SANTA CLAUS

Did it shrink in the wash?

BENNY

That must be it.

Santa grabs the reigns and the sleigh starts moving forward.

Elves cheer. The sleigh rises upward.

EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT

A decrepit fishing boat is anchored. ELDERLY FISHERMAN is

casting a line and feels a tug. A perturbance - a whirlpool -

forms on the surface, then begins to bubble.

ELDERLY FISHERMAN

Uno grande pescare.

A massive wave capsizes the boat as a SPACECRAFT erupts from the

sea. Fisherman is left holding on to his overturned boat. He

angrily waves his fist at the craft.

ELDERLY FISHERMAN

COMMETTERE UN OMICIDIO. I ASSASSINIO!

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

As Santa guides his sleigh, the GPS "talks": "Vehicle is

traveling south southwest at twenty-three knots...Air

temperature is recorded at Celsius minus twelve...No further

information is available...Vehicle is traveling south at thirty

knots...Air temperature is recorded at Celsius minus fifteen. No

further information is available...Vehicle is traveling east at

thirty-five knots. Air temperature is recorded at..."

ANGLE ON: GPS plunging to Earth.

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT

A modest two-story dwelling is decorated in holiday cheer:

decorations, a tree, stockings hanging, etc. WYATT GRUBER, 12,

all American kid, looking like a young Richie Cunningham, with

freckles and reddish hair, not fat, but with a few extra pounds,

in pajamas, sits in front of a television, simultaneously

entranced with a video game and eating cookies. TIMMY, 5, is

also present.

TIMMY

Let me play now.

WYATT

I'm in the middle of a game.

MARTHA GRUBER, 43, attractive, comes down the stairs.

MARTHA

Wyatt, I just spoke with Elisa Miller.

She informed me that her daughter has

received her report card. Straight

A's, I might add. Are you sure you

didn't accidentally misplace yours?

There is no answer.

MARTHA (CONT'D)

Wyatt, honey?

WYATT

I'm sure, mom.

MARTHA

Time for bed.

WYATT

Hold on, I almost got Dwighty beat at

Death Hunter.

INT. JACKSON HOUSE - NIGHT

DWIGHTY JACKSON, 12, black, short for his age, thin, with a

small afro, intensely plays the same video game as Wyatt.

DWIGHTY

Oh, no...you ain't got me beat.

INT. WYATT'S HOUSE - NIGHT

MARTHA

Sweetie, you said that almost an hour

ago.

WYATT

I really mean it this time.

Television goes OFF; Martha is holding up the plug.

INT. JACKSON HOUSE - NIGHT

DWIGHTY

Gave up, did ya'? I figured.

INT. WYATT'S HOUSE - NIGHT

WYATT

MOM! That sucks.

MARTHA

Wyatt, remember our talk? We do not

speak like that in this house. Video

games are a privilege, not a ...

MARTHA/WYATT

...right, just like skateboarding.

WYATT

I know, I know.

MARTHA

Don't eat all of Santa's cookies.

WYATT

There's no such thing as Santa.

MARTHA

Your brother doesn't feel that way.

WYATT

Timmy is five. Only little kids

believe in that stuff.

10.

MARTHA

Well, I'm not so little myself and I

still believe.

WYATT

Whatever, mom.

(pause)

Did I get any mail from dad?

MARTHA

No, sweetie. Not today.

Wyatt sneaks cookies packed in a Ziploc plastic baggy into a

pocket and goes up the staircase.

EXT. ROOF HOUSETOP GERMANY - NIGHT

Santa climbs out of the chimney, breathing hard, part of his

trousers ripped.

SANTA CLAUS

Now, why didn't I recall that Hans

Bonner had a pit bull?

ALIEN SPACESHIP POV:

Via a holographic screen, Santa is watched. WE SEE: small part

of a webbed appendage is briefly seen.

MONTAGE:

Santa on his journey as nothing seems to be going right,

including:

SANTA SLIPS ON A ROOF, FALLS FACE DOWN

A REINDEER GETS SICK ON SANTA

SANTA'S PANTS COMPLETELY RIP DOWN THE SEAM

SLEIGH RUNS OVER SANTA'S FOOT

EXT. WYATT'S HOUSE ROOFTOP - NIGHT

Santa clutches a toy sack and climbs into the chimney.

SANTA CLAUS (O.S.)

Oh dear. Chimneys are being built

narrower these days.

11.

INT. WYATT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt, awakened by a unusual noise, gets out of bed.

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Wyatt slowly descends the stairs.

INT. CHIMNEY - NIGHT

Santa, wriggles to free himself. Kicking up dust, he coughs.

EXT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt cautiously approaches the fireplace.

ANGLE ON: FIREPLACE AS SANTA COMES CRASHING DOWN. A CLOUD OF

SOOT EXPLODES AROUND HIM.

WYATT

Who are you?

SANTA CLAUS

Why, I'm Santa Claus, of course.

WYATT

Good one, Mr. Wilson. You sure put a

lot of padding on to look fat.

SANTA CLAUS

My boy, I am not any such Mr. Wilson.

Santa reaches into toy sack and hands a wrapped gift to Wyatt.

Santa starts towards the chimney, but pauses.

SANTA

Better save my energy.

Santa exits through the front door.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Santa whistles to the reindeer.

EXT. SIDE HOUSE - NIGHT

Wyatt peeks at the scene before him: reindeer and sleigh gliding

down to the ground.

12.

WYATT

(to himself)

No way!

Wyatt slowly approaches the sleigh; he looks through the bundles

of name-tagged toys.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Santa finishes up relieving himself.

SANTA CLAUS

That felt good.

ANGLE ON: Wyatt, hearing footsteps approaching, conceals himself

between toy sacks.

Santa boards the sleigh and grabs the harness.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Santa's sleigh lifts off.

INT. TOY SACK - NIGHT

WYATT

(peeking out)

Whoa! If only Dwighty could see

this...

INT. SIRCOLIGIAN SPACESHIP - NIGHT

Alien webbed-appendage touches a holographic screen.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

The sleigh and reindeer DEMATERIALIZE.

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

Santa, sleigh and the frightened, grunting reindeer MATERIALIZE

in a dimly glowing stainless steel chamber.

SANTA CLAUS

Rose is right. I need a vacation.

Santa's body rises above the sleigh.

SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)

What on God's green Earth?

Hovering gurney appears. Santa's body floats onto it, and is

automatically strapped down.

13.

SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)

Let me go. Children are depending on

me...

Syringe-like device zaps Santa's neck, knocks him unconscious.

Gurney floats away.

INT. SPACESHIP EXAMINATION AREA - NIGHT

Holographic screens cover the walls. Water filled pods abound.

Gurney arrives. We see tall amphibian-like SIRCOLIGIANS with

fish-like heads, webbed appendages and frog-like tongues, but

standing as humans would. They communicate via dolphin-like

"clicks". SIRCOLIGIAN COMMANDER pokes Santa's stomach. From

their reaction, we can tell they are amused.

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

Wyatt gets off the sleigh.

WYATT

This is cooler than Death Hunter.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Wyatt carefully makes his way forward. One wall is lined with

holographic screens. Wyatt places his hand up to the screen,

causing his hand to "disappear" and appear to be in a fish tank.

Small FISH swim around his hand.

WYATT (CONT'D)

(astonished)

Way cool.

Small fish suddenly swim off and a large MONSTER FISH appears to

come towards him. Wyatt pulls away and his hand "re-appears".

INT. SPACESHIP EXAMINATION AREA - NIGHT

Santa is stripped to his underwear. Thin laser beams shine on

various parts of his body. Holographic screens show

corresponding body parts - one his heart beating, another his

brain, another his stomach with a partially digested hot dog.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Creature, a mixture of an octopus body and a dog's head - a

DOG-OPUS, floats over, using it's numerous "arms" to feel

Wyatt's body.

14.

WYATT

Down boy. You're the strangest looking

dog I've ever seen.

Dog-Opus sniffs Wyatt's face and feels it with its "arms",

tickling Wyatt's nose. Wyatt muffles a sneeze.

Dog-Opus lets out a SQUEAL.

WYATT

Shush. I got something for you, boy.

Wyatt removes cookie from his pocket; Dog-Opus "arm" takes

cookie and places it in its mouth, gulping it. Dog-Opus licks

Wyatt's face, wetting it with its syrupy saliva.

WYATT (CONT'D)

Gross.

Dog-Opus's "arm" removes packet of cookies wrapped in a Ziploc

baggy. Creature floats away.

WYATT

I've got to get this.

Wyatt aims his cell phone at Dog-Opus and video records it.

INT. SPACESHIP EXAMINATION AREA - NIGHT

Sircoligians continue with their examination.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Wyatt peeks in to glimpse adjoining examination area.

INT. SPACESHIP EXAMINATION AREA - NIGHT

A medical instrument ascends over Santa's neck. A tiny

implant-chip is inserted into Santa's neck.

ANGLE ON: HOLOGRAPHIC SCREENS ALL DISPLAY THE EARTH. THEN WE

SEE, THROUGH A FLASH OF LIGHT:

SANTA ON HIS SLEIGH DELIVERS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

SANTA GOES DOWN A CHIMNEY

AS A FAMILY SITS ON THEIR LIVING ROOM COUCH, SANTA SPRAYS A

MAGIC MIND CONTROL DUST INTO THEIR FACES

FAMILY MEMBERS BOW DOWN TO SIRCOLIGIAN COMMANDER

15.

CONTINENTS OF EARTH REPLACED BY WATER

NEW WATER WORLD POPULATED BY SIRCOLIGIANS

HUMANS KEPT IN CAGES ON FLOATING PLATFORMS

HUMAN ZOMBIES USED AS SLAVE LABOR

HUMANS AS FOOD - ONE BODY ON A ROTISSERIE, LIKE A TURKEY

BACK TO:

INT. SPACESHIP EXAMINATION AREA - NIGHT

Sircoligians "laugh", with rapid HIGH-PITCHED CLICKING.

Santa is automatically dressed, and him and gurney begin to

float towards corridor.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Wyatt sprints towards the sleigh.

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

Wyatt conceals himself in a toy sack. Gurney floats in and

Santa's limp body levitates back into the sleigh.

EXT. WOODED AREA - DAWN

Santa is asleep in sleigh. Wyatt gets off and nudges Santa.

WYATT

Santa...Santa, wake up.

Santa groggily awakens.

WYATT (CONT'D)

Santa?

Santa checks his watch.

SANTA CLAUS

Oh dear, I must've dozed off.

Santa grabs the harness.

WYATT

Santa, wait. Don't you remember

what...

Sleigh lifts off.

16.

SANTA CLAUS

Merry Christmas.

WYATT

...happened.

INT. WYATT'S HOUSE - MORNING

Martha and Timmy at the tree, unwrap presents. Wyatt runs in,

hyperventilates.

WYATT

Mom, oh my God, oh my God, you were so

right about Santa.

MARTHA

Young man, I've been worried sick

about you.

WYATT

But mom, I was with Santa.

TIMMY

No fair! Wyatt got to meet Santa and I

didn't.

MARTHA

Your brother did not meet Santa.

WYATT

Not just that but then we got

kidnapped by aliens.

TIMMY

I wanna meet Santa too!

MARTHA

(to Wyatt)

Up to your room. You are grounded

until further notice. Of all days to

go and sneak off.

WYATT

But mom...

MARTHA

Room.

TIMMY

Santa would like me.

17.

EXT. NORTH POLE - MORNING

Santa's sleigh arrives.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - MORNING

Benny sleeps on a couch, snoring. Santa enters and clears his

throat.

BENNY

Get lost. I'm inspecting the inside of

my eyelids.

SANTA CLAUS

Benny, at attention.

BENNY

(jumping awake)

Boss, how nice to see you.

SANTA CLAUS

What time is it?

BENNY

9:10.

SANTA CLAUS

9:10 - in the a.m.?

BENNY

That's right, Boss.

SANTA CLAUS

How long have I been here?

BENNY

Here? Here, where?

SANTA CLAUS

Here, at the North Pole.

BENNY

Well, let's see, I've been here for

forty-three years...

SANTA CLAUS

No, this morning.

BENNY

We were waiting for you, Boss. You've

never been late before.

18.

SANTA CLAUS

I think I need to lay down.

BENNY

Boss, you really need a vacation.

INT. FRANKLIN MIDDLE SCHOOL CAFETERIA LUNCH LINE - DAY

STUDENTS wait to be served. Dwighty is dressed in what he thinks

is hip garb - baggy pants, old style button-down shirt, flat

cap.

WYATT

Your pants are falling down.

DWIGHTY

This is the style, man. Everyone's

gonna be rocking my look.

WYATT

I'm starved. Is today pizza day?

DWIGHTY

Dude, don't change the subject.

WYATT

I'm telling you, it happened.

DWIGHTY

What proof you got?

Wyatt takes out his cell phone and flips it open.

WYATT

What do you say now?

DWIGHTY

What's that supposed to be?

WYATT

(displaying cell phone picture)

It's like an octopus-dog - or

something like that. What do you say

now?

DWIGHTY

I don't see anything. You're pulling

my pud.

Dwighty and Wyatt arrive at the counter. One slice of pizza

remains. Wyatt goes for it, Dwighty moves faster and grabs it.

19.

DWIGHTY

Finder's keepers. Too slow, bro.

They sit at a table.

ANGLE ON: BROOKE HIGGINS, 12, geeky but cute, sits alone.

DWIGHTY

There's Brooke. Go talk to her.

WYATT

I'm eating lunch.

DWIGHTY

She's sitting alone. Now is your

chance. Get jammin'.

WYATT

She's, like, the smartest girl in

school. I...don't...know...

DWIGHTY

If you don't bust a move soon, someone

else will.

WYATT

You think?

DWIGHTY

I know.

Wyatt gets up and slowly begins to walk towards her.

ANGLE ON: FOOT TRIPPING WYATT. He falls. Food splatters all over

Brooke.

EUGENE, AKA "MOOSE", HERMAN and GORDON LAUGH. Wad of pudding

hits Eugene smack in the face. STUDENTS try to contain their

chuckles.

ANGLE ON: Dwighty holds up a spoon. Eugene storms over to him.

MOOSE

You think you're funny?

DWIGHTY

Eugene, if you were any more stupid,

you'd have to be watered twice a week.

20.

MOOSE

The name is Moose, brother. What did

you say to me?

DWIGHTY

You got something against black

people?

MOOSE

Just against losers.

Moose grabs Dwighty by the shirt. Nearby PRINCIPAL WARNER

patrols; he glances over in Moose's direction. Moose reluctantly

releases Wyatt.

MOOSE (CONT'D)

See ya later.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY

As a light snow flurry swirls in the air, school lets out.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Wyatt and Dwighty riding bicycles.

DWIGHTY

I'm hella lot faster than you.

WYATT

Oh yeah...

They take off and pedal as fast as they can.

EXT. RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - DAY

Wyatt and Dwighty's bicycles race through an intersection, a car

narrowly misses them. They turn a corner to see: BULLIES waiting

on their motorized scooters, holding Louisville Sluggers.

Dwighty and Wyatt slam on their brakes.

MOOSE

Get 'em!

The Bullies give chase, gain on their prey. They swing their

bats, almost connect. One swing hits Wyatt's back wheel spokes,

nearly knock him over. An ELDERLY WOMAN, holds a grocery bag,

crosses the street. Wyatt and Dwighty swerve around her. Moose

knocks her bag down - her groceries fall all over.

21.

MOOSE (CONT'D)

(calls out)

Go back to the cemetery, granny.

Herman swings his bat at Dwighty, who grabs it and manages to

knock the bully off his scooter.

MOOSE (CONT'D)

You're gonna pay for that, butt

breath.

GORDON

Yeah, we're going to use your head

for batting practice.

EXT. FROZEN LAKE SHORELINE - DAY

The chase continues, with Dwighty and Wyatt gaining some

distance.

WYATT

(to Dwighty)

We're coming up to the lake.

DWIGHTY

Follow me.

WYATT

In case you haven't noticed, it's

frozen.

DWIGHTY

Trust me.

Wyatt and Dwighty come to the lake. Dwighty bicycles onto it;

Wyatt hesitates.

DWIGHTY (CONT'D)

Come on - don't stop now.

Wyatt bicycles onto the lake. Bullies also move onto the lake.

EXT. FROZEN LAKE - DAY

The Bullies are only meters away; Moose kicks over Wyatt's

bicycle, which knocks over Dwighty.

SOUND OF ICE CRACKING

The ice gives way under Moose and Gordon's scooters. They fall

through.

22.

MOOSE

Damn, that's cold.

Wyatt and Dwight bike off.

EXT. MIAMI BEACH - DAY

On a crowded beach, Santa, in a swimsuit, lies on a towel,

clearly out of place. Football hits Santa squarely in the face.

Two TEENAGE BOYS come over to retrieve it.

TEENAGE BOY #1

Hey Santa, where's the reindeer?

They LAUGH and run off.

SANTA CLAUS

I see I have two names to add to the

naughty list.

EXT. WYATT'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Wyatt, dirtied, enters.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Martha and Timmy sit at the kitchen table. RADIO is on in the

background.

RADIO NEWS REPORTER (O.S.)

...and that there is conclusive

evidence that the additional melt

water from glaciers is adding to a

rise in sea levels worldwide.

Satellite remote sensing...

Wyatt enters.

MARTHA

Wyatt, you're late and you're filthy.

WYATT

Sorry, mom.

MARTHA

March yourself right up to that

bathroom and get cleaned up. Then,

you can have supper.

Wyatt exits.

23.

MARTHA

(to herself)

I just don't know what I'm doing to do

with him anymore.

EXT. BATHROOM - EVENING

A clean Wyatt exits.

INT. KITCHEN - EVENING

Wyatt enters.

MARTHA

Now, don't you feel better?

WYATT

Sorta.

TIMMY

Mommy, can I go watch tv?

MARTHA

Sure, honey.

Timmy exits. Wyatt sits at the table. Martha serves food to him.

WYATT

Any mail today?

MARTHA

Couple of bills? They're yours, if you

want them.

(beat)

I know what you meant. Timmy and I are

both here for you. We always will be.

That's the important thing.

WYATT

I know mom.

MARTHA

I was thinking, that for spring break,

we'd take a trip. Get in the car and

just go, go, go. Maybe out to the

coast or the Smoky Mountains. How does

a family vacation sound?

24.

WYATT

Fine, mom. I'm really tired. May I be

excused and go to my room?

MARTHA

You hardly touched your food.

Good night, sweetie. Remember, no

television tonight. I'll hear it if

it's on.

Martha hugs her son.

INT. WYATT'S BEDROOM - EVENING

Wyatt lays in bed, headphones on his head, watches a cartoon on

television.

ANGLE ON: TELEVISION SCREEN AS A COMMERCIAL COMES ON FEATURING

"SANTA CLAUS"

SANTA CLAUS

So, come on down to Book City at

Valley Acres Mall this Saturday and

meet me in person. I'll be signing my

new picture book. Kids, bring your

parents, parents, bring your kids. The

fun happens this Saturday at Book

City. Just because it's not Christmas

anymore, doesn't mean you can't meet

Santa.

EXT. BOOK CITY - DAY

Dwighty and Wyatt in the crowd of PARENTS and CHILDREN.

DWIGHTY

Dude, why did you drag me down here? I

got better things to be doing.

WYATT

Because, we have to warn Santa of the

aliens' plan.

BROOKE WALKS OUT OF A STORE.

DWIGHTY

Hey look.

WYATT

Now is not the time.

25.

DWIGHTY

Now is the perfect time. No jerks like

Eugene to get in the way. Here she

comes.

As Brooke approaches, Dwighty pushes Wyatt towards her.

WYATT

Oh...um...hi, Brooke.

BROOKE

Hi, Wyatt.

WYATT

Funny seeing you here.

BROOKE

My mom wanted to return a pair of

shoes. She's always buying stuff and

returning it.

AWKWARD SILENCE

WYATT

I had a doughnut for breakfast.

BROOKE

I had Froot Loops.

WYATT

I like Froot Loops too.

(beat)

My favorite is Count Chocula. I'm a

sucker for anything with marshmallows.

BROOKE

I have to go work on my science fair

project.

WYATT

What are you doing?

BROOKE

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

See ya'.

Brooke walks off.

26.

DWIGHTY

I had a donut for breakfast?

Marshmallows? That's the lamest girl

talk I ever heard. My brother, you

need work - bad.

INT. BOOK CITY - DAY

Wyatt and Dwighty are next in line to meet Santa.

DWIGHTY

I feel dumb being here.

They step up to Santa.

SANTA

Good morning. Would you like me to

sign my new picture book for you,

boys?

WYATT

Santa, it's me, Wyatt. Remember, you

got stuck in my chimney?

SANTA

Yeah, kid. That was your joint, huh?

WYATT

That was my house.

SANTA

Listen kid, store policy. I can only

sign books you buy here.

WYATT

Don't you remember, Santa? We were on

the spaceship together...the

aliens...they had you on a table...

SANTA

Kid, whatever it is you're drinking, I

want some of it.

WYATT

The aliens plan on using you to

destroy Earth. The fate of the world

depends on you.

SANTA

Nice meeting you. Next.

27.

WYATT

I bet you're not even the real Santa.

Wyatt grabs his beard - it comes off his face.

SANTA

Give me that.

Wyatt and Santa have a tug of war with the beard.

WYATT

You're just a no good fake.

Wyatt snatches the beard out of Santa's hand. Santa falls back

in his chair, knocks a cup of hot coffee on his pants and

crashes into a tall bookshelf. Santa screams in agony as books

fall all over him. CHILDREN cry.

Martha and Timmy stand in line, dumbfounded.

INT. WYATT'S HOUSE - DAY

Martha fumes in front of Wyatt.

MARTHA

I have never been so embarrassed. Mrs.

Miller was there. Mrs. Romano's

daughter was there with her grandson.

I don't even want to show my face in

this neighborhood for a good long

time. You are grounded until further

notice, young man. That means, when

school ends, you march right on home.

There's going to need to be some big

changes made around here. Do I make

myself clear?

WYATT

(looking down; softly)

Yes, mom.

MARTHA

I need to take Timmy to the doctor.

While I'm gone, YOU WILL finish your

homework. No video games, no

television, no Dwighty. Understand?

WYATT

Yes, mom.

28.

INT. SIRCOLIGIAN SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM - DAY

Sircoligian Commander and Sircoligians are present.

HOLOGRAPHIC SCREEN displays: Infra-red heat lasers aimed at an

Arctic ice sheet, populated with POLAR BEARS. A huge chunk of

ice breaks off into the sea, tossing the bears into the water.

Dog-Opus hovers in; it's mouth clenches a Ziploc baggy.

Commander takes it and Sircoligians examine it. Commander gives

order to Sircoligian at controls, who then places his "hand" on

a control to cause:

HOLOGRAPHIC SCREEN to display: Footage of night Santa was

abducted: Santa's sleigh as it dematerializes and is transported

back to Earth. Freeze-frame is thermally enhanced, as if seen

though night-vision goggles. Picture goes in tighter to reveal:

HEAT OF A SMALL BODY HIDDEN ON BACK OF SLEIGH.

INT. DWIGHTY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Dwighty and Wyatt sit in front of a computer screen.

DWIGHTY

Why couldn't you do this at your

house? Wait, let me guess. You don't

want your mom having you put in the

funny farm. My uncle, Joe - man, he

was nuttier than a gallon of rocky

road ice cream - he used to talk all

this crazy talk about how voices were

telling him he was Julius Caeser in a

past life and he was supposed to be

the king of Italy. He ended up in the

funny farm, in one of them crazy

people jackets.

WYATT

Just try putting in Santa.

Dwighty types.

WYATT (CONT'D)

Yeah, click on Santa's Den.

Dwighty clicks the mouse.

DWIGHTY

Holy Crap! Will ya look at that.

29.

WYATT

Why are all those girls wearing Santa

hats...

DWIGHTY

(smiling)

And nothing else.

WYATT

Try another site.

DISSOLVE TO:

TEN MINUTES LATER

WYATT

None of these sites are the real

Santa.

DWIGHTY

I know, let me just Google...

(begins typing)

Santa's email address.

Dwighty clicks the mouse.

WYATT

There it is. Give me the keyboard.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Benny and Santa, wearing his reading glasses, sit in front of a

computer screen.

SANTA CLAUS

What do I do now?

BENNY

Take the mouse.

Santa grabs the mouse.

BENNY (CONT'D)

Click it.

Santa lifts the mouse up to the computer screen.

BENNY (CONT'D)

No, Boss. Like this.

Benny demonstrates the correct way. Santa clicks the mouse

repeatedly.

30.

BENNY (CONT'D)

Boss, you're deleting emails.

SANTA CLAUS

This is silly. What is wrong with

children writing good old fashioned

letters.

BENNY

The kids like the email. It's faster.

SANTA CLAUS

However, less personal. Excuse me, I

have real work to do.

Santa stands up and exits.

INT. SANTA CLAUS' OFFICE - DAY

Mervyn sits in a chair in front of Santa's desk.

MERVYN

I've crunched the numbers three times.

I would like to make the following

recommendations. Your toy production

cost is high. If we out-source it to

China we could save thirty-two percent

a year. We could then eliminate

twenty-seven percent of the workforce,

thereby reducing overhead by an

additional eighteen percent. I've also

determined that boarding and feeding

the retired reindeer is an unnecessary

expense. Let the reindeer be adopted

by zoos or, possibly, put them down.

SANTA CLAUS

Put my beloved reindeer down? Mr.

Rosenberg, do you have anybody in your

life that you actually care about?

MERVYN

Sure, there's...there is...I need a

minute on this one.

SANTA CLAUS

The reindeer stay.

31.

MERVYN

I think we should also consider

turning the North Pole into a tourist

destination. Imagine... Graceland of

the Arctic. Just think, tours, gift

shops, Santa mugs, elf lunch boxes...

Santa escorts Mervyn to the door.

SANTA CLAUS

Good day, Mr. Rosenberg.

INT. WYATT'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Wyatt is seated in front of television. Martha, dressed up, is

getting ready to go out.

MARTHA

I'm leaving you in charge of Timmy. Is

it against my better judgment. Can I

trust you?

WYATT

Yeah.

MARTHA

Yes, what?

WYATT

Yes, mom. You can trust me.

Martha kisses Wyatt on the cheek.

MARTHA

Okay, sweetie. Keep an eye on your

brother.

Martha exits. Wyatt ascends the stairs.

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

Wyatt walks to adjoining bedroom door.

EXT. TIMMY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt cracks open the door to reveal: Timmy, iPod headphones on,

coloring in a book. Wyatt closes the door.

32.

INT. WYATT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt slides out a dresser drawer to reveal a portable video

game.

DISSOLVE TO:

SHORT TIME LATER

Wyatt, laying on his bed, playing a violent

shoot-the-space-creature game.

WYATT

Take that, you bastards.

EXT. BACKYARD POOL AREA - NIGHT

Sircoligian materializes in the pool.

INT. WYATT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

ANGLE ON: VIDEO GAME SCREEN

Alien creature is vapored.

WYATT

That'll teach you to mess with Earth

people.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Sircoligian, through open window, enters.

INT. HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A slow lumbering webbed-footed strut, Sircoligian moves through

living room.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Sircoligian enters. Creature notices leaking sink. It touches

the drip, examines faucet, then snaps it off, causing a strong

spray of water.

INT. ADJOINING LAUNDRY ROOM - NIGHT

Sircoligian sees a hose attached to a spigot. It snaps off

spigot control, causing water to gush out of the hose, most of

it streaming into the kitchen.

33.

INT. WYATT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt is totally focused on the video game.

WYATT

Eat it! Take your junk back to your

own planet.

INT. BATHROOM SHOWER STALL - NIGHT

Sircoligian touches shower head; trickle of water appears. It

pulls the head off and looks it over.

INT. WYATT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

SMASHING SOUND from adjoining bathroom. Wyatt puts down game

console.

WYATT

Timmy?

Wyatt gets up.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt enters. From behind the closed shower curtain, water is

spraying out in all directions.

WYATT

Timmy, you okay?

Wyatt pulls the shower curtain aside to reveal: Large hole in

wall, broken water mane spraying Sircoligian.

WYATT (CONT'D)

OH, SHIT!

Wyatt runs out.

INT. WYATT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt runs in and locks door. He picks up cell phone and dials.

MARTHA'S VOICE (O.S.)

Hi, this is Martha. Please leave a

message at the beep.

Wyatt tosses phone onto bed. Frantically, he looks around and

grabs pirate flag with its long, sharply pointed flagpole. He

presses his face against window.

34.

EXT. BACKYARD POOL AREA - NIGHT

All is quiet.

INT. WYATT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt turns around, comes face-to-face with Sircoligian.

WYATT

AAHHHH...

Wyatt takes a step back and, with flagpole, stabs alien's chest

- it "disappears" into it's body and is expelled out of its

back, covered in slimy goo. The Creature moves towards him.

WYATT (CONT'D)

Don't touch me slime ball.

Wyatt tries to open stuck window. He snatches lamp and slams it

against alien's head, causing it to fall. A puddle of slimy goo

forms. Using the lamp, Wyatt smashes window, then jumps out.

EXT. BACKYARD POOL AREA - NIGHT

Wyatt lands in the pool.

INT. TIMMY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Timmy lays in bed asleep, iPod headphones snug tight.

EXT. BACKYARD POOL AREA - NIGHT

Wyatt climbs out of water. Creature plunges into pool. Wyatt

slides open the patio door.

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Wyatt runs in and locks the patio door.

SOUND OF GLASS SMASHING

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt runs behind the large entertainment center, housing the

television. Sircoligian, dripping slimy goo, "walks" through

couch, smashing it in half, then stops and looks at it's

reflection in television screen. It breaks the glass. Wyatt runs

into the kitchen.

35.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Alien enters; it eyes the kitchen faucet, snaps it off, causes a

spray of water. Wyatt grabs a stack of dishes and begins to

throw them one by one at the creature, breaking them as he does

so.

WYATT

God help you if did anything to Timmy.

As dishes run out, Wyatt throws glasses. Creature grabs him.

WYATT (CONT'D)

Get off me, freak.

Wyatt manages to grab a steak knife and plunge it into the

alien's chest - knife "disappears" and is sucked out through its

rear, causes more slimy goo to gush out. They struggle. Wyatt is

backed up against the pantry. Wyatt grabs whatever he can to

slam over alien's head (bottles of jam, juice, tube of Pringles,

etc.). Alien, with it's massive fang, is about to bite Wyatt on

neck. Wyatt cracks a jar of Bar-B-Que sauce on creature,

splattering it.

ANGLE ON:

Bar-B-Que sauce on alien's webbed "hand", causes the scaly skin

to smolder, then burn. Wherever the sauce has touched its body,

its skin begins to smolder/burn. Sircoligian melts away.

WYATT (CONT'D)

That'll teach you.

Martha enters.

MARTHA

What the...Wyatt, are you responsible

for this?

WYATT

No.

MARTHA

Let me take a wild guess - aliens?

Wyatt nods his head up and down.

36.

INT. SANTA CLAUS BEDROOM - NIGHT

Sleeping next to Mrs. Claus, Santa tosses and turns. Abruptly

awakens in a pool of sweat - Rose wakes up and looks at him.

MRS. CLAUS

Oh dear, not those bad dreams again?

SANTA CLAUS

I'll be fine. Try and go back to

sleep.

INT. OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Business meeting attended by Martha, her boss, MR. MONTGOMERY,

who has the face of a bulldog, and a few other EMPLOYEES,

including DAN CASTELLANO. Martha is dozing off.

MR. MONTGOMERY

...third quarter sales figures could

be improved. I am not one to point

figures...Ms. Gruber, I am not boring

you, am I?

Martha comes to attention.

MARTHA

No, Mr. Montgomery.

MR. MONTGOMERY

Either you are not getting enough

sleep or your slumbering is indicative

of how you feel about our weekly

meetings. I do hope it is the former.

EXT. OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Employees exit.

DAN

I thought for sure Montgomery was

going to can you. He must really have

taken a liking to you to let that

slide. That's not like you, Martha.

37.

MARTHA

It's just that my kid is driving me

crazy. Last night he nearly wrecked

the house. I am at my wit's end with

him. Ever since his father left...

DAN

My sister had the same problem with

her kid. She shipped him off to a

military boarding school. End of

problem.

EXT. WYATT'S HOUSE - DAY

Wyatt and Dwighty, carry mega Slurpees, approach.

WYATT

You got to see what the alien did to

my house. You're not going to believe

it.

DWIGHTY

You can say that again.

INT. WYATT'S HOUSE LIVING ROOM - DAY

Wyatt and Dwighty enter to see: TWO MILITARY POLICEMEN and

Martha.

MARTHA

Wyatt, these nice men are going to be

escorting you to Waldheim Academy.

I've already packed your things.

WYATT

Why, mom? Are you crazy? I'll be good

from now on. I promise. You can't kick

me out...

MARTHA

Wyatt, sweetie, it's for the best. I

hear it's a lovely place.

Military Policemen each take an arm of Wyatt and "escort" him

out to a waiting car, followed by Dwighty.

EXT. WYATT'S HOUSE - DAY

Wyatt struggles with the Military Police.

38.

WYATT

Get your damn hands off of me. You

can't do this...

Wyatt drops his cell phone as he is stuffed into a vehicle. It

quickly drives off. Dwighty picks up his cell phone.

EXT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY ENTRANCE - DAY

Car drives through gate of what appears to be more of a prison

than a military boarding school. A sign above the gate reads:

"HARD WORK EARNS FREEDOM"

MONTAGE:

WYATT'S HEAD GETS SHAVED

WYATT SHOWN SLEEPING QUARTERS - TIGHTLY PACKED DOUBLE BUNK BEDS

WYATT DOES PUSH-UPS AS DRILL SERGEANT STANDS OVER HIM

SANTA ASLEEP AT HIS DESK

IN CLASSROOM, WYATT ASLEEP AT DESK

WYATT ATTEMPTS TO JUMP OVER A WALL; DRILL SERGEANT STOPS HIM

WYATT CLEANS TOILETS

FOOTBALL GAME - WYATT REPEATEDLY GETS TACKLED

WYATT IN THERAPY

SANTA IN THERAPY

WYATT ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE, STUCK IN A BATHROOM WINDOW

WYATT DOES PUSH-UPS

WYATT USES LEMON JUICE TO WRITE PART OF A LETTER

ON TRACK GROUP RUN, WYATT FINISHES LAST

ON TREADMILL, SANTA CAN'T KEEP UP AND FALLS DOWN

ON TRACK, WYATT DOES PUSH-UPS AS DRILL SERGEANT STANDS OVER HIM

DWIGHTY OPENS LETTER FROM WYATT, THEN PLACES LETTER OVER HEAT,

CAUSING THE WORDS TO APPEAR: "THIS PLACE SUCKS, GET ME OUT OF

HERE!"

39.

EASTER: MARTHA & TIMMY VISIT WYATT

SANTA'S OFFICE - MERVYN DROPS OFF A BIG STACK OF PAPERWORK

CLASSROOM DESK, WYATT BESIDE A BIG STACK OF TEXTBOOKS

EXT. FRANKLIN MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY

Draped across front is a banner proclaiming: SCIENCE FAIR TODAY

INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - SCIENCE FAIR - DAY

Neat rows of tables support various science fair projects, as

STUDENTS, PARENTS, ADMINISTRATORS and TEACHERS check them out.

Behind a table is ARTHUR DINGLE, hawking his static electricity

experiment that involves cereal attached to a hanging thread and

a comb. In a corner sits a cereal box. CROWD, including TEACHER,

observe.

ARTHUR DINGLE

First, I will take this comb and run

it through my clean hair, like this.

Arthur combs his hair.

ARTHUR DINGLE (CONT'D)

Now that the comb has a negative

static charge, the magic can begin.

Arthur brings the comb near the cereal

- it swings to touch the comb.

APPLAUSE

ANGLE ON: A HAND SNEAKILY SNATCHES THE CEREAL BOX.

TEACHER

Arthur was always one of my brightest

students.

INT. REAR OF AUDITORIUM - DAY

Moose and his buddies munch on cereal.

MOOSE

Science projects are so gay.

PRINCIPAL GARCIA walks by.

40.

PRINCIPAL GARCIA

Eugene, YOU are a science project.

MOOSE

Ha ha.

(under his breath)

One day he'll get his.

Brooke stands behind a table, displays bird cages occupied with

sparrows, bags of bird feed and a computer, which displays a

graph. Dwighty approaches.

DWIGHTY

Yo Brooke, 'sup?

BROOKE

Hey, Dwighty.

DWIGHTY

What's with the bird brains?

Dwighty sticks his finger in a cage; bird angrily pecks at it.

DWIGHTY (CONT'D)

Ouch!

(to bird)

That ain't cool, yo'.

(to Brooke)

Birds don't like black people.

BROOKE

I'm testing the hypothesis: do birds

respond to different colored bird

seed. I dyed bird feed green, blue,

yellow and red, and kept one batch

neutral. I fed the birds for three

days and each day I measured how much

bird seed...

DWIGHTY

Nice seeing ya. I got to go.

BROOKE

How's Wyatt?

DWIGHTY

Hating life.

BROOKE

When will he be back to Franklin?

41.

DWIGHTY

If I knew that, I'd be physic.

BROOKE

You mean psychic. Physics is the study

of matter and energy. Psychic means

you can see the future.

DWIGHTY

Ever since he started going on about

all that crazy alien shit...

Dwighty holds up Wyatt's cell phone, which displays a fuzzy

picture.

DWIGHTY (CONT'D)

He showed me this thing he said was

one of them.

BROOKE

Wait, let me see that?

Brooke takes the phone, links it up via cable to her computer,

with the fuzzy image appearing on screen.

DWIGHTY

That could be anything.

(laughing)

Space aliens? Home boy's lost it.

Brooke inputs commands on the keyboard. On screen: the image

becomes sharper, until it is clearly the Dog-opus.

DWIGHTY (CONT'D)

That is jammin'.

Principal Garcia strolls by.

PRINCIPAL GARCIA

Keep up the good work, Miss Higgins.

BROOKE

Thank you, Mr. Garcia.

(to Dwighty)

Meet me at four at the oak tree.

DWIGHTY

Which one's the oak tree?

BROOKE

The huge one, next to Mrs. Feller's

art room.

42.

EXT. OAK TREE - DAY

Dwighty waits, plays a game on Wyatt's cell phone. Brooke

arrives.

BROOKE

Sorry I'm late. It took longer to

clean up than I thought. Is that the

phone?

DWIGHTY

Yeah.

Brooke grabs it out of his hand.

DWIGHTY (CONT'D)

What you doing, woman?

BROOKE

That phone's important.

DWIGHTY

I've been playing games on this for

months.

BROOKE

Still, be careful.

DWIGHTY

The kid's been straight up with me the

whole time. He put his trust in me and

I tossed it aside like day old

pancakes.

BROOKE

What else did Wyatt tell you?

DWIGHTY

He told me to keep it on the down-low

how fine you be.

BROOKE

Wyatt really said that?

DWIGHTY

Uh oh, that slipped. Whoops.

BROOKE

The aliens, what else did he say about

the aliens?

DWIGHTY

It was, like, almost a year ago.

43.

BROOKE

A year is not that long ago.

DWIGHTY

You never had to sit through Mrs.

Hughes health class. Woman can make an

hour seem like ninety minutes.

BROOKE

Think, Dwighty, think.

DWIGHTY

Wait, I almost got it...it's coming

back...okay, okay, he said that the

aliens were going to use Santa to help

them keep people as slaves and their

world was being messed up, so they

were going to turn our world into one

big ocean. Oh yeah, and them aliens

are real ugly.

BROOKE

We have to get Wyatt.

Moose and his buddies approach.

MOOSE

And, what do we have here?

BROOKE

Eugene, you know what your problem is?

You suffer from an inferiority

complex, resulting from a conflict

between your desire to seek self

recognition and the desire to avoid

the feelings of humiliation and

helplessness frequently experienced in

situations in the past, resulting in

compensatory behavior such as

aggressiveness and anti-social

behavior.

MOOSE

You're lucky you're a girl.

INT. JACKSON HOUSEHOLD DINING AREA - NIGHT

FRED JACKSON, 38, & LORRAINE JACKSON, 36, casually but

tastefully dressed, DARLENE, 9, and Dwighty eat dinner.

MR. JACKSON

Lorraine, these might be the best

potato pancakes you ever made.

44.

MRS. JACKSON

Then you'll really enjoy my special

candied yams I'll be fixing for

Thanksgiving.

MR. JACKSON

The ones with those tiny marshmallows?

MRS. JACKSON

Thee very ones.

MR. JACKSON

I don't think I can hold out.

DARLENE

I hate orange potatoes.

MRS. JACKSON

No lip. Eat your supper.

DWIGHTY

Mom, pop, about Thanksgiving. Since

we're just going to the neighbors, not

really doing the whole family thing, I

was thinking it'd be pretty cool to

visit Wyatt. He's my main bud. He can

have visitors on Thanksgiving and

he'll be all alone. And, Wyatt said

the bus stops right by there.

MRS. JACKSON

That is out of the question.

DWIGHTY

But mama...

MRS. JACKSON

Fred, talk to your son.

MR. JACKSON

Wyatt - the trouble maker who was

shipped off to boarding school? The

boy who tried to strangle Santa? And,

you want to go spend Thanksgiving with

him instead of your beloved family?

DWIGHTY

Yes, pop.

45.

MR. JACKSON

I think it's a good idea.

MRS. JACKSON

Fred!

MR. JACKSON

It is his friend, Lorraine.

(whispering to her)

His only friend. Let the boy see where

he's headed if he doesn't straighten

up and fly right. I never did like

Santa Claus anyway. Too commercial.

DWIGHTY

Thanks pop.

MR. JACKSON

Besides, that means more yams for me.

INT. BROOKE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Girlie room, lots of stuffed animals, computer and electronic

equipment.

BROOKE

I reprogrammed Wyatt's phone. If

anyone tries to do a signal trace, it

will trace back to Russia. Any calls

to me will go through a secure line as

well. When I'm in class, my phone will

be set on vibrate.

DWIGHTY

How come you know so much about this

stuff?

BROOKE

I could tell you, but then I'd have to

kill you. What is your plan to get

Wyatt out?

DWIGHTY

I thought you had a plan.

BROOKE

Dwighty?

46.

DWIGHTY

I'm sure Wyatt's thought of something.

BROOKE

Good luck on your mission.

EXT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY - NIGHT

Bus stops; Dwighty exits and approaches a black, beefy DRILL

SERGEANT, who stands at attention and holds a clipboard.

DWIGHTY

Yo, my brother, why so serious? The

day we celebrate a bunch of white

dudes pigging out with some Indians.

Bet there were no brothers there. If

there were, they be washing the

plates.

DRILL SERGEANT

State reason for your presence.

DWIGHTY

I'm here to visit my man.

DRILL SERGEANT

Name.

DWIGHTY

Wyatt Gruber.

DRILL SERGEANT

State your name.

DWIGHTY

Reginald Jackson. My friends called me

Dwighty. As in Dwighty is mighty.

Drill Sergeant checks a list of names on clipboard.

DRILL SERGEANT

Proceed.

Dwighty walks towards the main door.

DWIGHTY

When they were handing out

personalities, that guy must've been

taking a shit.

47.

INT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY DINING AREA - NIGHT

Crowded and noisy as STUDENTS and FAMILY MEMBERS enjoy a holiday

meal. Wyatt eats alone. Dwighty sneaks up behind him.

DWIGHTY

When all is hopeless and lost, and an

eternity of despair is our only soul

mate, the only hero who can save us

will be...

WYATT

Death Hunter.

Wyatt turns around and grins.

WYATT

You made it. I knew you wouldn't let

me down.

DWIGHTY

(points to Wyatt's food)

You going to eat that?

WYATT pushes his plate towards him. Dwighty digs in.

DWIGHTY

Ain't bad. How come your family didn't

come?

WYATT

I told them not to bother. I'd rather

be alone. I'm still pissed at my mom

for sending me to hell. She didn't

believe me when I tried to warn her.

You believe me about the aliens, don't

you, Dwighty?

DWIGHTY

Yeah, I believe you, man. Now we have

to do something. What's your plan?

WYATT

(whispering)

Get out of here tonight. Go to the

North Pole.

DWIGHTY

I'm listening.

48.

WYATT

That's it. That's the plan.

DWIGHTY

You make it sound as easy as shooting

squirrels with BB's.

Dwighty wolfs down food.

WYATT

Hey, go easy on that stuff. It's not

going to taste so good coming up.

DWIGHTY

Hey man, don't be telling me how to

eat. I already got one mother.

INT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY MAIN CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Wyatt and Dwighty have a view of the entrance and the beefy

Drill Sergeant.

WYATT

You see that guy there?

DWIGHTY

Yeah, mister personality. We met.

WYATT

Go distract him.

DWIGHTY

How? With what?

WYATT

I don't know. Think of something.

Then, I'll sneak out when he's not

looking.

DWIGHTY

Alright, just make sure you get out

fast, man.

EXT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY ENTRANCE - NIGHT

Dwighty exits, walks past Drill Sergeant into a non-lighted

area.

DWIGHTY

Owww...my ankle....HELP...SOS. Hey,

anyone out there...any body work at

this place?

49.

ELDERLY MAN and ELDERLY WOMAN come to Dwighty's "aid".

ELDERLY WOMAN

Oh dear, what have you done?

DWIGHTY

It's my ankle, but I'll be ok.

ELDERLY MAN

I'll hear none of that. Henry, go get

help.

DWIGHTY

But, really, I'm feeling better

already...

ELDERLY WOMAN

It's a good thing we were departing

when we were. Maybe you know my

grandson, James Kitzen?

ANGLE ON: DRILL SERGEANT talks into walkie talkie.

DRILL SERGEANT

Code forty-seven.

INT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY INFIRMARY - NIGHT

DOCTOR examines Dwighty's ankle.

DOCTOR

Move it this way...in the opposite

direction...now in a circular motion.

Dwighty does as told.

INT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY - NIGHT

Dwighty has an Ace bandage wrapped around his ankle.

DWIGHTY

Any other bright ideas?

WYATT

We need to get out of here tonight.

DWIGHTY

We? I could walk right out that door,

no problemo. But no way I would do

that to my friend.

50.

WYATT

Think, we need to think.

DWIGHTY

I got it. We get bees and throw them

at clipboard guy. He's stung and all

freaking out. There's our chance.

WYATT

Just one problem with that.

DWIGHTY

What?

WYATT

Where are we going to get bees? It's

winter. They hibernate.

DWIGHTY

Ok, I got it. I saw this movie, right,

and this prisoner - man, he was a real

bad guy - escaped by hiding in the

laundry van that come and take away

all them dirty clothes and stuff. It

was gross, he be sitting with all that

nasty underwear. That would make me

sick to my stomach.

WYATT

That won't work. They have laundry

machines here.

DWIGHTY

Man, you're shooting down my best

ideas. And, you know what? I'm still

kinda hungry. Can we get any more

food?

WYATT

That gives me an idea. Come on.

INT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY KITCHEN - NIGHT

Kitchen is quiet as Dwighty and Wyatt enter.

DWIGHTY

What kind of snacks they got 'round

here?

51.

WYATT

Never mind that. You see that vent

above the stove?

DWIGHTY

What about it?

WYATT

It goes out to the side of the

building. When we're out on the track,

I can see the smoke coming from it. We

can climb though it.

DWIGHTY

With all them rats and bugs? Not just

any bugs, probably monster bugs. Pop

worked hard to move us to the burbs to

get away from the rats - and I ain't

'bout to go into that thing.

WYATT

Fine. I'll meet you out back. Help me

up.

Wyatt removes the grating.

DWIGHTY

Hurry up.

Wyatt climbs into the vent.

DWIGHTY

I ain't messing with no super bugs.

Dwighty opens the industrial size refrigerator's door and helps

himself to a salami, sticking it down his pants.

Kitchen worker, ETHEL, heavyset, enters.

ETHEL

Just what do you think you're doing?

DWIGHTY

Nothing.

ETHEL

If I've told you kids once, I've told

you a thousand times, my kitchen is

off limits after supper.

52.

(pause)

I don't know you, and I know all the

residents here.

DWIGHTY

I'm...I'm a new kid here.

ETHEL

Show me your ID?

Dwighty fake goes through his pockets.

DWIGHTY

Must've left it in my wallet.

Ethel walks to an intercom. Dwighty runs out.

EXT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY SIDE OF BUILDING - NIGHT

Wyatt, dirtied, crouches in the darkness. Dwighty approaches.

WYATT

What took so long?

DWIGHTY

I had to walk all the way 'round the

building. Damn, this place is huge.

WYATT

(noticing salami)

What's that?

DWIGHTY

Some eats for the road. Ain't they

going to come looking for you, like

real soon?

WYATT

They do a head count before lights out

at ten. I got that covered.

INT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY - NIGHT

Residents are lined up for roll call. Seated at a desk, is the

beefy Drill Sergeant, his eyes glued to his clipboard, as he

checks off each name.

DRILL SERGEANT

Snider?

53.

SNIDER

Present.

DRILL SERGEANT

French?

FRENCH

Present.

DRILL SERGEANT

Ojeda?

OJEDA

Present.

DRILL SERGEANT

Gruber?

ANGLE ON: Ojeda, with an iPod in his coat hooked up to a

mini-speaker.

WYATT'S VOICE

(through speaker)

Present.

EXT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY SIDE OF BUILDING - NIGHT

WYATT

It cost me big time. But, it was worth

it.

INT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Ojeda lays in bed, listens to an iPod and reads a Death Hunter

graphic novel.

EXT. WALDHEIM ACADEMY SIDE OF BUILDING - NIGHT

WYATT

Nobody should notice me gone till

reveille at six a.m.

DWIGHTY

Six a.m.? Man, that's way too early.

What time you get up on weekends?

WYATT

Six a.m.

54.

DWIGHTY

I'm staying away from this place. Do

you really think we can find Santa?

WYATT

We have to. The fate of the world

depends on it.

They begin to walk.

WYATT

You were right about the rats.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Santa sits at his desk as Mervyn waves papers in front of him.

MERVYN

Mr. Kringle, unless we settle the

strike, there will be no toys. No

toys, no Christmas run this season.

SANTA CLAUS

No what?

MERVYN

If the elves don't get back to work

this week, toys won't be completed in

time.

SANTA CLAUS

(voice deepens, eyes glaze over)

Settle. Give them what they want.

MERVYN

Sir? You realize the expenses that

will be incurred by North Pole

Enterprises, Inc.?

SANTA CLAUS

Do it.

55.

INT. ELF TELEVISION STUDIO - NIGHT

ELF ANCHORMAN

Breaking news just in. This hasn't

been confirmed, but we are now

learning that North Pole Enterprises,

Inc. has reached a labor agreement

with the Elves. Good news indeed for

children.

CUT TO:

ELF with microphone in front of him.

ELF

We knew the fat man would cave. He

needs us more then we need him.

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Wyatt and Dwighty walk along edge of road.

DWIGHTY

If you think I'm walking all the way

to the North Pole, it ain't happening.

Dwighty sits down and takes a bite out of the salami. Wyatt

motions to passing cars by sticking his thumb out.

DWIGHTY

It's no use. No one's going to pick up

a black kid.

WYATT

That's not true.

DWIGHTY

Oh yeah? My pop told me about all

taxis that would drive right by him

and they ain't never stopped.

WYATT

That's not true.

DWIGHTY

How come no one's stopped?

WYATT

I'm glad you're here.

56.

EXT. REGIONAL AIRPORT - NIGHT

Dwighty and Wyatt watch as a plane takes off.

WYATT

How much money you got?

DWIGHTY

My life savings. Three hundred

thirty-seven big ones.

INT. AIRLINE TICKET COUNTER - NIGHT

Dwighty and Wyatt approach an attractive female TICKET AGENT.

TICKET AGENT

May I help you?

WYATT

I would like two tickets to the North

Pole.

TICKET AGENT

Let me guess, you're going to visit

Santa.

WYATT

Yes. When does the next plane leave?

TICKET AGENT

The airline cut its North Pole

service. It wasn't very popular.

WYATT

Where else can we go that's near it?

TICKET AGENT

Sorry, but I can't help you.

Dwighty motions to Wyatt; they step aside.

DWIGHTY

Let a pro handle this. Watch and

learn.

Dwighty, alone, approaches the ticket counter.

57.

DWIGHTY

'Cuse me, ma'am, I'd like to

compliment you on your taste in that

exquisitely beautiful sweater you're

wearing. And, I must say how well it

highlights the color of your eyes.

TICKET AGENT

Ain't you a little charmer?

DWIGHTY

May I ask you, an intelligent woman

with a serious sense of fashion, a

serious question?

TICKET AGENT

I'm already taken.

DWIGHTY

Good.

TICKET AGENT

Good?

DWIGHTY

No, no, I didn't mean good about that.

I meant, do, do you like Earth?

TICKET AGENT

Sure, it's home.

DWIGHTY

The situation is this, if me and...

(points to Wyatt)

...him don't get to the North pole

right away, something bad will happen

to our beloved Earth. You wouldn't

want anything like that to happen,

would you?

TICKET AGENT

Isn't it late for you to be wandering

around an airport all by yourself?

DWIGHTY

Just give me the tickets. Capice?

TICKET AGENT

Hold on a sec, dear.

58.

Ticket agent walks away. Wyatt approaches counter.

WYATT

Well?

DWIGHTY

It's being taken care of. What did I

tell you? Leave it to a suave pro who

knows how to butter up the fairer sex.

As you can see, I got ace skills with

the ladies...

ANGLE ON: Ticket Agent speaking with SECURITY GUARD, mean

looking and packing a gun.

Dwighty and Wyatt's eyes pop open as they move towards the exit.

SECURITY GUARD

(into walkie talkie)

We have a code fourteen in progress.

Security Guard walks faster.

DWIGHTY

Better yet, run for it!

Dwighty and Wyatt run for the exit.

SECURITY GUARD #2 joins Security Guard.

EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - NIGHT

Automatic sliding door opens. As the boys run out, they are

blocked by a HEAVYSET WOMAN and her high-end luggage set,

leather and standing upright on wheels. Dwighty trips over a

suitcase.

DWIGHTY

My ankle, my ankle!

HEAVYSET WOMAN

Young man, please be careful.

DWIGHTY

Lady, I think your luggage just broke

my ankle.

With the Security Guards getting closer, Dwighty pushes the

luggage in front of the door and him and Wyatt run off.

Security Guards exit and kick the luggage aside.

59.

HEAVYSET WOMAN

Doesn't anyone around here respect

Louis Vuitton luggage?

SECURITY GUARD #1

(to Heavyset Woman)

Did you see two boys come this way?

HEAVYSET WOMAN

Yes, I did. And one of the them can

certainly use a lesson in

manners.

INT. AIRPORT PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT

Dwighty and Wyatt hide behind a column.

ANGLE ON: JIM BOB and HOMER, 20's, hillbillies, approach old

pickup truck, which has a pirates skill & crossbones flag

displayed in its rear window.

JIM BOB

Check it out. Ain't she a beaut?

HOMER

Yup, jus' like I remember her.

JIM BOB

If it were, like, all legalized and

stuff, I'd marry this here baby.

HOMER

One thing for sure, little brother,

she'd give ya' a heck of a lot more

affection then Mary Sue.

JIM BOB

That's my old lady you're talking

'bout - and you're dang right.

LAUGHS, as Jim Bob and Homer board the pickup. Loud ROCK MUSIC

begins to play from the cab.

EXT. AIRPORT PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT

DWIGHTY AND WYATT'S POV: SECURITY GUARDS APPROACHING

WYATT

We should get out of here.

DWIGHTY

Thanks for the news flash.

60.

The pick-up pulls out of parking spot.

DWIGHTY

Let's hitch a ride.

WYATT

You mean, ask them for a ride? They

look dangerous.

DWIGHTY

No Einstein. We hop in.

WYATT

We don't even know where their going.

DWIGHTY

At least it will get us out of this

place.

Pickup stops at the pay gate.

DWIGHTY

Now's our chance.

WYATT

I'm not so sure about this.

Security Guards close in.

DWIGHTY

Wyatt, do you want to save the world

or what?

The gate rises.

WYATT

Ok.

Dwighty and Wyatt jump in back of the pickup.

EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

Pickup truck pulls out of garage past Security Guards. Dwighty

moons the Security Guards.

EXT. PICKUP TRUCK - NIGHT

Wyatt and Dwighty notice that next to them is a dead moose.

61.

DWIGHTY

Oh man, that's nasty. I don't need to

hanging out with no moose...

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS CAFETERIA - NIGHT

Lots of decorations, balloons and treats in celebration of

Santa's birthday. Santa, dressed conspicuously in black, sits at

his regular table eating dinner, surrounded by numerous glasses

of water, and Mrs. Claus, Benny and Mervyn.

SANTA CLAUS

This year, we should give each child a

bottle of fresh water

BENNY

Boss?

SANTA CLAUS

We need to make sure kids stay

hydrated and get their daily allowance

of our friend, H2O.

MERVYN

The expense of that would surely make

North Pole Enter...

SANTA CLAUS

Make it happen, Benny. As if your

continued employment depended on it.

BENNY

Yes, Boss.

ANGLE ON: MARSTAD, OGNIAN AND OTHER ELVES AT A NEARBY TABLE

MARSTAD

Anyone else notice that the fat man's

been acting strange lately?

ELF #1

Get a load of what he's wearing.

OGNIAN

He asked me what I thought of global

warming.

MARSTAD

What's so strange about that?

62.

OGNIAN

He laughed when he asked. Then he

starting singing his own version of

Jingle Bells. Only the words were

something like, "melting ice, melting

ice, melting all the day, oh how my

home is turning into one big

waterway." It was weird.

Santa sips his pea soup and spits it out.

SANTA CLAUS

Too damn salty.

MRS. CLAUS

Pumpkin, I had the soup made just the

way you like it.

Santa tosses the bowl of pea soup against the wall. It splatters

on Elves sitting at a nearby table.

SANTA CLAUS

I hate salt.

Santa stands and storms out.

MRS. CLAUS

(to others at table)

Kris is under a lot of stress with the

holidays and all.

EXT. ADA'S PLEASURE PALACE - NIGHT

Pick-up pulls into a dirt parking lot.

JIM BOB

Did I not tell ya' I'd show ya' a good

time?

Jim Bob and Homer touch fists together and let out a "HOWL".

They exit pick-up and head towards the building.

EXT. PICKUP TRUCK - NIGHT

Dwighty and Wyatt climb out.

DWIGHTY

Pleasure palace - this place must be

an arcade.

63.

WYATT

Yeah, with lots of cool video games.

DWIGHTY

Let's go check it out, since we're

here anyway.

WYATT

We should stay focused on getting to

Santa.

DWIGHTY

I guess you're right.

EXT. ADA'S PLEASURE PALACE - NIGHT

TIFFANY, 24, blond, buxom, argues with HANK, middle-aged and

balding.

TIFFANY

Hank, this isn't about money, as hard

as that is for you to believe. The

issue is the customers who repeatedly

harass me and treat me like a piece of

meat.

HANK

Respect? Look around, sweetheart.

You're dancing in a two bit juke joint

in the sticks for a bunch of rednecks.

TIFFANY

So that's it? That's all you have to

say?

HANK

Let me add this. If you're not back on

that stage in...

(glances at watch)

...four minutes, you're fired.

Hank walks away.

Nearby, Dwighty and Wyatt hear a woman sobbing.

WYATT

You hear something?

DWIGHTY

Just crickets.

64.

WYATT

I mean, someone crying.

DWIGHTY

Now that you mention it, I think so.

ANGLE ON: TIFFANY SITTING DOWN, CRYING. The boys approach.

WYATT

Everything alright.

DWIGHTY

Would she be crying if everything was

alright? If everything chilling, I

wouldn't be doing no crying. Not that

I cry or anything.

Tiffany cries louder.

WYATT

You're making it worse. Boy, miss, you

must sure be upset to be crying.

TIFFANY

I guess you could say that.

DWIGHTY

My mama says I'm a real good listener.

WYATT

My mom, too.

DWIGHTY

Really, you're mama said I'm a good

listener?

WYATT

No dummy, she said it about me.

Tiffany is amused by the boys and stops crying.

TIFFANY

Sorry boys, I have to get home.

There's a little girl who needs me.

DWIGHTY

Do you happen to be going north?

65.

EXT. SMALL TOWN MAIN STREET - NIGHT

A car pulls over to the side of the road. Dwighty and Wyatt exit

the car in front of a bus station, across the street from a

small market. The car drives off.

INT. BUS STATION - NIGHT

Dwighty and Wyatt enter and go to the one window, where the

clerk, PHINEAS, stands.

PHINEAS

How can I help you?

DWIGHTY

We want to go to the North Pole.

PHINEAS

Furthest north we go is Prince Rupert,

Canada. Right by the Alaskan border.

DWIGHTY

We'll take it.

PHINEAS

One way or round trip?

WYATT

Probably one way.

PHINEAS

Be fifty-even dollars per.

Dwighty begins to count the money.

WYATT

When can we leave?

PHINEAS

Ten in the a.m. Day after next.

WYATT

We can't wait that long.

PHINEAS

Got one leaving at seven in the a.m.

for Cleveland, if you'd like. They've

got the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

there. You're sure to like that.

66.

DWIGHTY

(begins to put money away)

Cleveland? Don't think so.

EXT. SMALL TOWN MAIN STREET

Wyatt and Dwighty exit the bus station.

WYATT

Now what?

DWIGHTY

It would be cool to check out the Rock

and Roll Hall of Fame.

Wyatt shoots him a stern look.

DWIGHTY

I mean, after we get to Santa, of

course.

(pointing to market)

Let's go check that out. We need some

stuff anyway.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT

Wyatt and Dwighty enter, approach the CLERK.

DWIGHTY

My good man, where might we find your

bar-b-que sauce?

CLERK

Ain't it late to be bar-b-queing?

DWIGHTY

Last time I checked the bar-b-que rule

book, there was no law against eating

bar-b-que late at night.

CLERK

Aisle four.

Dwighty and Wyatt walk to aisle four. Wyatt grabs the only three

bottles of bar-b-que sauce.

WYATT

Probably a good idea to pick up some

snacks. And we better get gloves and

hats.

DWIGHTY

Good thinking.

67.

On the counter, two pairs of gloves, and a mound of junk food is

deposited, plus one salami.

EXT. TRAIN CROSSING - NIGHT

Lengthy boxcar freight train, off in distance, approaches.

DWIGHTY

That train's going toward the North

Pole.

WYATT

It's moving kinda fast.

DWIGHTY

Man, haven't you ever hopped a train

before?

WYATT

Have you?

DWIGHTY

Well, no, but how hard can it be?

Train rolls by.

DWIGHTY

See those handles on the side? Just

watch how I do it.

Dwighty runs up to the train's moving side, jumps and attempts

to latch onto the service handles. He falls face down in the

dirt.

WYATT

Now you're as dirty as me. Forget it,

we'll find another way.

DWIGHTY

Screw that.

Dwighty makes another attempt, this time grabs hold of the

train, then maneuvers himself into a boxcar.

DWIGHTY

Come on, Wyatt.

WYATT

I can't do it.

68.

DWIGHTY

Yes, you can. Get some speed behind

you. Hurry up.

Wyatt takes a few steps back and runs to it, and grabs a hold of

the service handle.

DWIGHTY

Yes!

Wyatt pulls himself up to see: SIRCOLIGIAN STARING BACK AT HIM.

WYATT

AAHHH...

ANGLE ON: DWIGHTY IN ADJACENT BOXCAR

DWIGHTY

That don't sound good. Hold on Wyatt

buddy.

ANGLE ON: WYATT'S BOXCAR

Alien lunges at him; Wyatt jumps into the boxcar, filled with

crates. Wyatt jumps onto a crate, kicks the alien in the face,

pulls himself up through a hatch in the roof and slams down the

hatch.

EXT. TRAIN ROOFTOP - NIGHT

Wyatt carefully holds on.

DWIGHTY (O.S.)

Wyatt, hear me?

WYATT

The alien is trying get me.

DWIGHTY (O.S.)

That's messed up. Get over this way

and I'll shoot it with my supplies.

Wyatt crawls toward Dwighty's boxcar. Wyatt, about to enter

through the roof hatch, feels a pull on his leg.

WYATT

It's got my leg.

DWIGHTY (O.S.)

Give me an arm.

Wyatt tries to kick off the creature, to no avail.

69.

INT. DWIGHTY'S BOXCAR - NIGHT

Wyatt is able to stick an arm through the hatch. Dwighty is

propped up on a crate.

DWIGHTY

I got you.

Dwighty pulls on Wyatt's arm.

EXT. BOXCAR - NIGHT

WYATT

It won't let go. Pull harder.

The Sircoligian slits open Wyatt's pants leg.

INT. DWIGHTY'S BOXCAR - NIGHT

Dwighty pulls with all his strength.

EXT. BOXCAR - NIGHT

As the Sircoligian bares a fang, it notices a low bridge fast

approaching. It leaps into the air.

Wyatt is pulled through the hatch.

INT. BOXCAR - NIGHT

Wyatt, head first, crashes down to the floor.

WYATT

Close the damn roof.

Dwighty slams the hatch shut.

DWIGHTY

This place stinks. You fart?

WYATT

Not me.

From a corner, GROANS, from: Leaning against a crate, half

hidden, HOBO, 70, filthy, scraggly long beard and half

conscious.

DWIGHTY

Man, that guy stinks. When's the last

time he took a bath?

70.

WYATT

In prehistoric times, like before the

internet.

DWIGHTY

(holds up BB gun)

I'm ready for that alien.

WYATT

A BB gun's not going to hurt an alien.

DWIGHTY

It's got to hurt more then some old

sauce.

HOBO

(mumbling)

I'm trying to sleep, mom.

WYATT

I think we're ok now.

Dwighty, mouth agape, frozen with fear, sees: ALIEN IN BOXCAR.

IT JUMPS ON WYATT.

WYATT

Get if off, get it off!

Dwighty shoots it in its eye. The Creature flies off. Wyatt and

Dwighty get behind a large crate; Wyatt grabs his bottle of

bar-b-que sauce.

Alien leaps onto crate; Wyatt sprays him with sauce.

DWIGHTY

Take that, loser!

The sauce has no effect.

HOBO

Can't a guy get some sleep 'round

here? Get out of my room!

The Hobo snatches Sircoligian by its leg and tosses it out of

the boxcar.

EXT. TRAIN - NIGHT

As the train enters a tunnel, Sircoligian is slammed with great

force into the side of a rocky hill, splattering it's gooey

"blood".

71.

INT. BOXCAR - NIGHT

HOBO

This place ain't big enough for all of

us.

The Hobo puts his head down and snores.

DWIGHTY

So much for your deadly bar-b-que

sauce.

WYATT

The aliens are on to us. Somehow they

know we're going to warn Santa. I

think they want to kill us.

DWIGHTY

Us? You be the one they're after. I

mean, I'm just along for the ride.

Right? Tell me I'm right.

WYATT

I think they want us both dead.

DWIGHTY

Oh man. All of a sudden, Mrs.

Gleason's math class ain't looking so

bad.

EXT. INDUSTRIAL TRAIN STATION - DAWN

WHISTLE BLOWS as train comes to a stop.

INT. BOXCAR - MORNING

Wyatt, Dwighty and Hobo are asleep.

EXT. TRAIN STATION LOADING DOCK - MORNING

As WORKERS unload cargo off of boxcars, RAILROAD FOREMAN notices

the boys and BANGS his hard hat against train side.

RAILROAD FOREMAN

Hey, you kids aren't supposed to be

here. Beat it.

Dwighty and Wyatt slowly awake.

RAILROAD FOREMAN

I said, beat it.

72.

Dwighty and Wyatt run off.

RAILROAD FOREMAN

(shaking his head)

Kids.

ANGLE ON: HOBO, half conscious.

HOBO

Can't a guy get some sleep 'round

here?

EXT. STREET INTERSECTION - DAY

Dwighty and Wyatt stand by the side, parallel to a stop sign, in

a snow covered rural area.

DWIGHTY

It sure is cold.

WYATT

That's good. It means we're getting

closer to the North Pole.

DWIGHTY

Maybe for you. But my ancestors came

from Africa. I don't got none of those

cold genes in me.

WYATT

I wonder where we are.

DWIGHTY

Only one way to find out.

Dwighty approaches snowmobile, driven by FARMER, stopped at stop

sign.

DWIGHTY

Mister, what city is this?

FARMER

(eyeing him carefully)

This ain't hardly a city. You happen

to be the young 'un who gone and

painted my cows in zebra stripes? I

ain't never seen you in these parts

before.

DWIGHTY

No sir, I wouldn't even know how to

paint a cow.

73.

FARMER

Get yourself a map.

Farmer drives off.

WYATT

Goose Bay.

DWIGHTY

Goose what?

WYATT

Goose Bay is the name of this place.

DWIGHTY

How do you know that?

WYATT

Calculating how long we've been

traveling, and taking into account the

estimated speed at which the train

moved, as well as the position of the

sun in the sky, leads me to that

conclusion.

Dwighty takes out cell phone and dials.

DWIGHTY

Yo, it's me...I'm chilling. And, I

mean, I AM chilling for real. It's

freezing here...oh yeah, hold on.

(to Wyatt)

Brooke wants to say hey.

WYATT

Now? Oh boy.

Wyatt takes out a comb and begins to use it. Dwighty grabs Wyatt

by the shoulder.

DWIGHTY

Get a grip, man. She can't see you.

WYATT

Oh, right.

Wyatt takes the phone, and clears his throat.

WYATT

Umm...Hello?

74.

INT. BROOKE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Brooke sits in front of her computer.

BROOKE

Where are you?...Goose Bay?...hold on.

Brooke types on the computer keyboard.

BROOKE

That's not far from Alaska.

Brooke again types on the keyboard.

EXT. STREET - DAY

WYATT

(into phone)

Ok...ok...we can try that...how

far?...Hmmm, I'm not sure...

DWIGHTY

What's she saying?

Dwighty goes to grab the phone; Wyatt turns away.

INT. BROOKE'S BEDROOM - DAY

BROOKE

(into phone)

...I think it's really brave of what

you're doing...Yes, I'll let them know

you're ok...and, Wyatt, I miss you.

Brooke hangs up the phone.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Wyatt closes the phone.

DWIGHTY

Well, what did she say?

WYATT

She said she misses me. Can you

believe it?

DWIGHTY

Whoop-di-do.

75.

WYATT

We need to go this way.

As they begin to walk, Dwighty notices a sign behind him: GOOSE

BAY FEED LOT.

DWIGHTY

Position of the sun, my black ass.

EXT. ROAD - DAY

DWIGHTY

If you're whipped this much now, wait

till you get to high school.

WYATT

You know, you could be happy for me.

DWIGHTY

What's the big deal? So, she said she

misses you. Girls always saying stuff

like that.

WYATT

Not to me.

DWIGHTY

How far did she say? I can't even feel

my toes anymore.

WYATT

Five kilometers.

DWIGHTY

In English.

WYATT

About three miles.

DWIGHTY

No way I'm walking three miles.

WYATT

What choice do we have?

DWIGHTY

I'm craving salami and I'm out.

EXT. GENERAL STORE/POST OFFICE/BAIT SHOP - DAY

Dwighty and Wyatt enter.

76.

INT. SHOP - DAY

CLERK

Howdy.

DWIGHTY

You got any salami?

CLERK

Aisle three.

CUT TO:

On a shelf, beside a small refrigerator, sits a small selection

of salamis. Dwighty grabs a salami, then opens the refrigerator

door to reveal: JARS OF WRIGGLING WORMS.

CUT TO: COUNTER

Dwighty simultaneously snacks on the salami and pays.

CLERK

Worms are real fresh.

DWIGHTY

The only worms I eat I get at the

candy store.

Wyatt walks up to the counter and holds a soda pop.

WYATT

And this.

CLERK

That'll be one dollar.

WYATT

Dwighty, pay the man.

Dwighty fishes through his pockets.

DWIGHTY

I'm empty, man.

CLERK

You bite, you buy.

WYATT

(to Dwighty)

Oh, that's just great. That's so like

you. Here I am, you know I have no

money, and you just think of yourself.

77.

DWIGHTY

I can't help it if salami is

expensive.

WYATT

This isn't about salami, which, by the

way, you stole the first one.

Dwighty takes a squashed Twinkie from his pocket.

DWIGHTY

You can have this.

WYATT

Gee, thanks. You saved me a crushed

Twinkie. That's appetizing. You never

think of other people.

DWIGHTY

Man, more and more, hanging out with

you is like hanging out with my mom.

CLERK

Please take your feuding outside.

EXT. SHOP - DAY

As Dwighty and Wyatt exit, the Farmer pulls up on his

snowmobile, dismounts, leaves the keys in ignition, and enters

store.

DWIGHTY

(holds out salami)

Want a bite?

Wyatt shrugs.

WYATT

(looking at snowmobile)

If we had one of those...

DWIGHTY

Looks like we got one of those with

our name on it.

WYATT

Wouldn't that be, like, stealing?

78.

DWIGHTY

When the world's run by ugly fish

monsters, I'm sure you'll have plenty

of time to think about what's right

and wrong.

They both hop on the snowmobile, as each tries to take the

driver's seat.

DWIGHTY

I should drive.

WYATT

I should.

DWIGHTY

No, I should. I've driven before.

WYATT

A snowmobile?

DWIGHTY

Bumper cars.

Farmer, who carries a jar of worms, exits shop.

FARMER

What in tarnation?

Wyatt hops on back, with Dwighty in driver's seat.

WYATT

GO! GO!

Snowmobile zooms off.

FARMER

Lousy delinquents.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Snowmobile travels fast.

WYATT

Slow down. We're gonna get killed.

EXT. SMALL AIRFIELD - DAY

HENRY KING, 57, black, of average size and with a deep, rumbling

voice, who wears a leather Flying Ace jacket, shovels snow to

clear a runway. Nearby sits a Cessna prop plane.

79.

Snowmobile, after doing a few 360's, skids to a stop.

WYATT

Bumper cars, huh?

Dwighty and Wyatt dismount and run up to Henry.

DWIGHTY/WYATT

Hey hey...glad you're here...we need

your help...we need to fly to...

HENRY

One at a time, please.

DWIGHTY

The situation is this, my man...

WYATT

We need you to fly us to the North

Pole.

HENRY

Hate to have to tell you this, little

fellows, but I don't go to the North

Pole. Who do I look like, Santa Claus?

WYATT

That's exactly who we want to see.

HENRY

Look, I run supplies up to Sadawaska

this time of year. In the summer, I go

south and help with the crop dusting.

Sadawaska's the closest permanent

settlement to the Pole. But no one's

crazy enough to fly all the way to the

Pole. Weather's too unpredictable.

DWIGHTY

What's a brother doing all the way out

here in the middle of nowhere?

HENRY

Son, everywhere is somewhere.

WYATT

Please mister. We need your help.

Henry notices Dwighty's BB gun.

80.

HENRY

My grandson's birthday is tomorrow. I

think he'd take a liking to that.

DWIGHTY

See, that's my BB gun. My favorite

one. What if we're attacked by a polar

bear. Then what?

Henry continues to shovel snow. Wyatt gives Dwighty a

disappointed look and puts his head down.

DWIGHTY

Tell your grandson it's really great

for shooting at squirrel.

Dwighty hands him the BB gun.

HENRY

(handing shovel to Dwighty)

Don't just stand there. Make yourself

useful.

WYATT

That's right, make yourself useful.

HENRY

Oh, I ain't forgot about you.

Henry grabs another shovel and hands it to Wyatt.

HENRY

One thing though, I only have one open

seat.

INT. CESSNA - DAY

Dwighty is seated on Wyatt's lap as they share the passenger

seat. The rear is loaded with supplies.

WYATT

My foot's asleep. Why couldn't I be

sitting on you? You're crushing me.

DWIGHTY

We're on our way to the North Pole,

ain't we?

WYATT

Take a picture. I'll add it to my

scrapbook.

81.

DWIGHTY

Man, I don't want no pictures of us

like this floating around. People

might get the wrong idea. You can't

even admit you like Brooke.

WYATT

(raising his voice)

I couldn't hear you over the engine.

DWIGHTY

That's funny, you heard everything

else I said.

EXT. SADAWASKA - DAY

Ramshackle outpost of a few shabbily built buildings, igloos and

a town hall. Seeing plane arrive, TOWNSFOLK, including CHILDREN,

a boy, KIRIMA, 12, and HAVASUPAI, tribal chief, run toward dirt

runway on edge of town.

INT. CESSNA - DAY

DWIGHTY

I hope they have Death Hunter.

WYATT

It doesn't even look like they have

toilet paper.

EXT. SADAWASKA AIRSTRIP - DAY

The Cessna lands. TOWNSFOLK, including CHILDREN, and a pudgy

boy, KIRIMA, 12, encircle it. Henry disembarks, treated like a

rock star.

HENRY

(to children)

Now, y'all know you're supposed to

wait until the plane comes to a

complete stop.

KIRIMA

We're excited to see you.

HENRY

You're excited to see those candy

corns, that's what y'all excited

about.

Dwighty and Wyatt disembark. Crowd becomes silent.

82.

DWIGHTY

What up?

HENRY

They're not used to getting visitors.

Except for me, that is.

KIRIMA walks up to the boys.

KIRIMA

Kirima. That's means hill in Eskimo.

WYATT

Wyatt.

DWIGHTY

Dwighty. That's means I'm freezing my

ass off in English.

KIRIMA

Are you helping Henry, the great one,

on his journey?

WYATT

Not quite.

DWIGHTY

Man, I sure you hope you have heaters

around here.

HAVASUPAI

(laughing)

The white man is cold.

Townsfolk LAUGH.

DWIGHTY

Why you laughing at me?

KIRIMA

We are having great heat, more so than

usual. The Great Spirit has blessed

us.

HAVASUPAI

Come everybody. It is time to feast

and celebrate.

Townsfolk begin to follow HAVASUPAI.

DWIGHTY

Who's he calling white?

83.

HENRY

To them, all non-natives are white.

DWIGHTY

They must be color blind.

EXT. SADAWASKA -= EVENING

Festivities, celebratory mood, campfires, traditional Eskimo

music, food and drink passed around, etc. Dwighty sits beside

Henry. A slab of raw meat is passed to them; Henry takes some.

DWIGHTY

They forgot to cook this.

HENRY

The Inuit conserve fuel by eating

their meat raw.

DWIGHTY

I'll stick with my salami.

HENRY

If you refuse, they will consider it a

great insult.

DWIGHTY

Alright, but I'm just going to pretend

to eat it.

Dwighty takes some of the meat.

HENRY

It's really not bad, once you get used

to it. You might even say it's tasty.

DWIGHTY

Nasty. They sure must think a lot of

you to have this party.

HENRY

Oh, this big soiree isn't on my

account. It's in honor of the Northern

Lights. The Inuit believe it's

departed family members dancing in the

next life.

DWIGHTY

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

84.

ANGEL ON: WYATT AND KIRIMA

WYATT

...and it's the best video game in the

world. I've made it to level eight

already. What do you do for fun?

KIRIMA

Many activities. We hunt caribou,

fish, make hunting weapons, like this.

Kirima holds up a hand carved knife, made of bone.

WYATT

Neat. Where'd you learn to do that?

KIRIMA

My father.

WYATT

Which one is he?

KIRIMA

Four winters back, there was much

hunger in Sadawaska. The hunts were

not providing. Father bravely went to

capture food for the village. He never

returned. Chief Havasupai said the

Great Spirit called him home as a gift

for the bravery he showed.

WYATT

I'm sorry. I haven't seen my dad in a

long time either.

KIRIMA

Why do you travel with Mr. King?

WYATT

Because I need to get to the North

Pole. If I don't, something bad will

happen to Earth.

KIRIMA

Explain.

WYATT

It's like this. Last Christmas...

85.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Flashes of light - Aurora Borealis - brighten up the sky.

EXT. SADAWASKA - NIGHT

A SHAMAN leads the celebration with chants, dances and Amna-aya,

the song of the Eskimo.

ANGLE ON: HENRY AND DWIGHTY

HENRY

Son, you remind me of when I was

around your age. You asked why I'm

here. I flew in Vietnam. Sixty seven

missions, shot down twice. Saw things

a man shouldn't ever be fixing his

eyes on. Second time I was shot down,

I was on my way to rescue a company of

men behind enemy lines. Most of those

men ended up in a POW camp, and only a

few of them made it back to the

States. If I was more careful, all of

them soldiers would have made it back.

Right then and there, I made a promise

to the Almighty that, if I made it

through, I would somehow do some good

in the world. Without the medicine and

food I bring in, these people would be

hurting. We should all try to serve a

higher purpose.

INT. IGLOO - NIGHT

Dwighty, Wyatt and Henry, under caribou skins, sleep.

INT. SIRCOLIGIAN SPACESHIP

Two Sircoligians stand before the Commander.

SPACESHIP POV: On a holographic screen, Dwighty and Wyatt

appear.

Two Sircoligians call up another screen, which shows them

encased in ice. Commander angrily responds.

EXT. SADAWASKA - MORNING

As Henry's plane takes off, the TOWNSFOLK wave good-bye.

86.

INT. DOG SLED BARN - MORNING

Dog sleds, with mush dogs attached, are lined up, watched over

by Kirima, who wears wooden snowshoes. Dwighty and Wyatt, fresh

from having awakened, approach.

DWIGHTY

I can go for chocolate chip pancakes

right now.

WYATT

I want a big cheese omelette.

DWIGHTY

(to Kirima)

What's the big commotion?

KIRIMA

To honor our family that visits us

from the after world, we are having

dog sled race.

DWIGHTY

Maybe they'd rather have chocolate

chip pancakes?

KIRIMA

Please explain.

WYATT

Where do you race to?

KIRIMA

The race goes, I don't know how you

say it in your travel, but for us it

is one full day.

WYATT

Everybody goes?

KIRIMA

Only father and son teams are allowed.

I will stay behind.

WYATT

Kirima, we must get to the North Pole.

Can you help us?

KIRIMA

I thought about what you shared with

me and, I believe, that the Great

Spirit has placed you here for a

reason. I will help.

87.

WYATT

Great. How?

KIRIMA

It's best if we speak shortly.

CUT TO: SHORT TIME LATER

On each sled is a FATHER/SON team. Havasupai waves his hand;

Townsfolk become silent.

HAVASUPAI

(in Inuit)

May the Great Spirit bless you and may

the best team win this great

competition.

Shaman blows a walrus tusk. Sleds begin race.

INT. IGLOO - DAY

Dwighty, Wyatt and Kirima sit in an igloo and eat breakfast.

DWIGHTY

So, how you going to help us?

KIRIMA

I will give you a sled and Miortok. In

Inuit, that means howling dog. I would

like you to have this as a symbol of

our friendship.

Kirima hands his hand-carved knife to Wyatt.

WYATT

Thank you, Kirima. It's beautiful.

DWIGHTY

Hey, I'm your friend too. You got one

of those for me?

WYATT

Dwighty...we can share it.

DWIGHTY

By the way, whatever this grubb is,

it's mighty tasty. What you call this?

KIRIMA

Seal heart.

88.

EXT. ARCTIC - DAY

On a dog sled, Dwighty and Wyatt are pulled by Miortok.

On a hover-slide, two Sircoligians appear.

DWIGHTY

Oh shit! We got trouble.

WYATT

Just keep going.

DWIGHTY

(yelling to dog)

Mush! Miortok, mush.

(to himself)

Damn, I should of kept my BB gun.

Sled moves faster.

DWIGHTY

I got an idea.

Dwighty bends down and scoops up a handful of snow. Wyatt does

the same.

ANGLE ON: SIRCOLIGIANS get hit hard in the face by snowballs,

which slows them down.

WYATT

Bulls-eye.

Dwighty makes another snowball.

DWIGHTY

Taste some Earth snow, ugly.

Snowball is lobbed at alien; alien points finger at it and it

evaporates before it makes contact. Creatures close in. Wyatt

sneezes, which reverberates. Sled is fast approaching a cliff.

EXT. MOUNTAINTOP - DAY

A mass of snow is dislodged.

EXT. CLIFF - DAY

Miortok abruptly stops at the edge. Sleigh spins around him,

which causes it, with the boys, to dangle over the edge, as they

grasp onto the sled, still attached via harness to Miortok.

Miortok HOWLS and holds his ground as the harness tightens

around his neck.

89.

EXT. SNOWY PLAIN - DAY

AVALANCHE crashes down, engulfs Sircoligians.

EXT. CLIFF - DAY

DWIGHTY

Come on, Miortok. Mush boy mush!

WYATT

I don't think he has the strength to.

DWIGHTY

(looking down)

It's a long way down.

WYATT

If we don't cut the sled free, the dog

will choke.

Miortok HOWLS louder.

WYATT

We can't do that to Kirima. My hands

are tangled up in the reins. I have a

knife in my pocket.

DWIGHTY

Man, I don't want to let go.

WYATT

Dwighty! We going to fall any minute,

whether you cut the dog free to not.

Dwighty, with one hand, removes the hand-carved knife from

Wyatt's pocket and begins to cut the harness.

DWIGHTY

(under his breath)

Kirima didn't give me no damn gift.

EXT. SNOWY MOUNTAIN - DAY

Wyatt, Dwighty and the sled slide down the mountainside.

EXT. SNOW CAVE - DAY

Dwighty and Wyatt glide to a stop in a shallow snow cave. Pieces

of the sled land beside them.

90.

INT. SNOW CAVE - DAY

DWIGHTY

Oh shit, oh shit...Am I dead?

WYATT

Dwighty, you okay?

DWIGHTY

I don't know. You know how your foot

feels when it's asleep? That's how my

whole body feels.

WYATT

Give me the phone.

DWIGHTY

It's in my left pocket.

Wyatt reaches into Dwighty's pocket and retrieves the phone.

WYATT

No service. We have to get out of

here.

Wyatt slowly musters the strength to stand up. Dwighty begins

to, but can't.

DWIGHTY

Ahhh...my ankle's messed up. My mama

would say that's Karma for pretending

it hurt before.

WYATT

I'm not leaving you.

DWIGHTY

Don't be dumb. Save yourself.

WYATT

Dwighty...

DWIGHTY

Wyatt, go. No sense in both of us

dying here.

WYATT

That's brave. I'll find help.

DWIGHTY

Just don't be bringing back any of

them ugly-ass aliens with you.

91.

EXT. AVALANCHE - DAY

Two POLAR BEARS rip apart and eat the Sircoligians.

INT. SNOW CAVE - DAY

Wyatt barely is able to climb out of snow cave.

EXT. SNOW CAVE - DAY

Wind howls as snowstorm kicks up.

INT. SNOW CAVE - DAY

Wyatt climbs back down.

WYATT

Uh, the weather's pretty bad. Better

wait till it stops snowing. I'm sure

Miortok went for help.

DWIGHTY

I figured...

(clears his throat)

...the weather would be too bad.

WYATT

What's that suppose to mean?

DWIGHTY

Nothing. It's just, well...nothing.

WYATT

If you have something to say, spit it

out.

DWIGHTY

Like always, you're wimping out. Man,

you never take chances, never rise to

the occasion.

WYATT

What I am supposed to do? I'll freeze

to death out.

DWIGHTY

Who'd a thunk, Reginald Martin

Jackson, the third, would die like

this? Nothing left to do but eat my

salami.

92.

Dwighty takes out his salami and a bottle of bar-b-que sauce,

and pours sauce on it. Then he takes a bite.

DWIGHTY

This is the most tasteless sauce. Like

my pop uses, on account of his high

blood pressure.

WYATT

What do you mean?

DWIGHTY

It's got no salt, I think. My mom's

always on pop's case about eating

salt. Hell, she makes him even eat

saltless pretzels. You wouldn't catch

me eating none of those.

WYATT

That's it! That is it. That's why the

sauce killed the alien at my place and

not on the train. That sauce had salt

and this stuff doesn't.

DWIGHTY

A lot of good it's going to do us now.

WYATT

I...I'm real sorry I got you into this

mess.

(beat)

Dwighty, what's your biggest regret?

DWIGHTY

Take a guess.

WYATT

Besides being here.

DWIGHTY

I'm twelve. It's not like I'm some

burned out old geezer.

93.

WYATT

I would have liked to spent more time

with my dad. My mom says not to take

it personal, he just wasn't cut out to

be a dad. But still. And, I guess I

can admit it now, but yeah, I do have

a crush on Brooke. I should have told

her when I had the chance.

Wyatt turns his head to look at Dwighty, who has fallen asleep.

Wyatt closes his eyes too and goes to sleep.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS BEDROOM - NIGHT

Wyatt slowly wakes up and looks around to see an active

fireplace and the two warm beds that he and Dwighty occupy.

WYATT

Dwighty, Dwighty, wake up.

Dwighty slowly wakes up.

DWIGHTY

If this is heaven, this ain't too bad.

Mrs. Claus enters, and carries a tray with two mugs of hot

cocoa, two glasses of juice, bowls of cereal and toast.

MRS. CLAUS

You boys need to stay warm. If the

reindeer weren't out on a practice

run, you two might have turned into

people popsicles, for Heaven's sake.

Lucky for you, with their sharp

eyesight and their basset hound sense

of smell, they found you.

DWIGHTY

Are you really?

MRS. CLAUS

Yes, lad. I am really Mrs. Kringle,

better known to the world as Mrs.

Claus.

DWIGHTY

I was going to say, as old as you

look, but ok.

94.

WYATT

Dwighty!

MRS. CLAUS

I want you to stay here and rest up.

Until we can get you back home.

WYATT

But, Mrs. Clause, we need to...

MRS. CLAUS

(cheerfully)

Drink your hot cocoa and rest up.

She exits. Wyatt stands up.

WYATT

We have to get to Santa.

Dwighty attempts to stand, but quickly lays back down.

DWIGHTY

I can't.

WYATT

I'll go get Santa.

Wyatt exits.

DWIGHTY

(taking sip of hot cocoa)

Damn, that's some mighty fine cocoa.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Amid the hustle and bustle, Wyatt cautiously walks along. He

comes to a door, and opens it.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

ELF throws up, notices Wyatt.

ELF

So, I had too much to drink. It's the

holidays. We should be merry. Don't go

and make a federal case out of it.

Elf storms out, past Wyatt.

WYATT

Weird.

95.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Wyatt continues to walk, and arrives at a large door with a

sign: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY. Wyatt peeks in.

INT. TOY MANUFACTURING AREA - NIGHT

A wondrous sight of toy making machines and toys stacked up

high, as Elves wrap them.

WYATT

This must be what Heaven's like.

Wyatt enters. In a corner, dozing off, is Marstad. Wyatt

accidentally knocks over pile of toys. Marstad jumps to

attention.

MARSTAD

Hey kid, you lost? There's no

self-serve here. We bring the toys to

you.

WYATT

I'm looking for Santa.

MARSTAD

Santa's busy now.

WYATT

It's urgent.

MARSTAD

Santa's really good at knowing what

kids want. I'm sure he's not going to

forget about you.

WYATT

I wonder what Santa would think of his

elves sleeping on the job? Guess we'll

find out.

MARSTAD

You know, it just come to me. I

suddenly remember where Santa is.

EXT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Elves surround Santa, dressed in black, and the reindeer as he

makes final preparations to leave. As Marstad and Wyatt

approach, Wyatt runs to Santa.

96.

WYATT

Santa, Santa, stop. You must not go.

It's too dangerous. Aliens are going

to use you to take over the world by

having you use magic dust to turn us

into slaves.

ELF holds him back.

ELF

This kid must've had too much of the

spiked eggnog.

Elves LAUGH. As Santa boards the sleigh, Wyatt grabs his

shoulder.

SANTA CLAUS

Back off, kid.

Santa shoves Wyatt. Elves GASP.

SANTA CLAUS

Ho, ho...oh, the hell with it.

Santa's sleigh ascends.

MARSTAD

Looks like the fat man just bought

himself a lawsuit.

Wyatt SOBS. Benny goes to him.

BENNY

He's not usually like that.

WYATT

You don't understand. Aliens are using

him to destroy Earth. He's under their

control. And nobody believes me.

BENNY

The name's Benny. I believe you.

WYATT

You, you do?

BENNY

Mr. Kringle, I mean, Santa, hasn't

been acting much like Santa lately.

Many of us have noticed it. How can I

be of help?

97.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Dwighty, arms wrapped around Benny and Wyatt, as they help

support him, move quickly.

BENNY

We can take the retired reindeer. They

haven't flown in a long time, but it's

our only chance.

DWIGHTY

Man, you telling me you got deer that

can fly? This I got to see.

EXT. REINDEER STABLES - NIGHT

Benny harnesses the reindeer.

WYATT

How will we find Santa?

BENNY

Oh, these fellas are familiar with the

fat man's...uh, I mean, Santa's, run.

They've done it enough times

themselves.

DWIGHTY

What do they eat?

BENNY

What any other reindeer eat.

DWIGHTY

I never met no reindeer before.

BENNY

Hop in.

Benny and the boys board the sleigh. Benny grabs a hold of the

harness. Reindeer stand still.

DWIGHTY

(smugly)

I didn't think so.

BENNY

I forgot the magic words. UP UP AND

AWAY.

Reindeer begin to gallop and SLEIGH ASCENDS.

98.

DWIGHTY

(grabbing hold of sleigh)

Whoa.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Santa's sleigh nears the distant lights of a small town.

INT. SANTA'S SLEIGH - NIGHT

SANTA CLAUS

(with possessed gleam in his eye)

Must be efficient. Must complete

mission on time.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Benny's sleigh comes up on Santa.

INT. BENNY'S SLEIGH - NIGHT

WYATT

Why don't these reindeer fly anymore?

BENNY

They were retired to make room for

younger reindeer.

DWIGHTY

That's cold.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Sleighs are side by side.

BENNY

Boss, pull over.

Santa ignores him; instead tugs on the reins to make his

reindeer move faster.

SANTA CLAUS

Move it. Faster damn it.

Santa EVIL LAUGHS.

CHASE includes:

Sleighs fly over a town

99.

Race over the arches of a fast food restaurant and between

buildings.

As Benny's sleigh flies under a bridge, Wyatt and Dwighty are

sprayed with water.

Santa's sleigh knocks over windmill.

Sleigh races past telephone line, caused resting flock of birds

to scatter.

INT. SANTA'S SLEIGH - NIGHT

SANTA CLAUS

(to Reindeer)

What kind of pathetic reindeer are

you? FASTER!

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Santa's sleigh crashes through a billboard that has a picture of

"Santa" who grins and holds up a jumbo shrimp and a caption that

reads: CRAZY STAN'S ALL-U-CAN-EAT SHRIMP EMPORIUM.

INT. BENNY'S SLEIGH - NIGHT

WYATT

He's getting away.

BENNY

There's a reason these reindeer are

retired. They're at that age they

should be in Boca Raton playing

shuffleboard and hitting the early

bird dinners.

INT. SANTA'S SLEIGH - NIGHT

SANTA CLAUS

Mush! I said mush. Before I have you

all turned into glue.

ANGLE ON: REINDEER FACE with a look of hurt/anger.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Santa's reindeer pass between two thick oak trees, but the

sleigh gets wedged in. Benny's sleigh glides up beside it.

BENNY

Boss, we need to talk.

100.

SANTA CLAUS

I'm not your boss.

Santa leaps to the ground.

EXT. BENNY'S SLEIGH - NIGHT

Benny's sleigh glides to ground level.

BENNY

Take the reins.

DWIGHTY

(taking reins)

Okay, but I ain't driven no reindeer

before.

EXT. GROUND - NIGHT

Benny jumps Santa.

INT. BENNY'S SLEIGH - NIGHT

WYATT

We should land.

DWIGHTY

How?

WYATT

Probably just let up on the reins.

EXT. GROUND - NIGHT

Wyatt and Dwighty exit the parked sleigh.

BENNY

Where's the implant?

WYATT

(pointing to Santa's neck)

There.

BENNY

If only I had a knife.

Wyatt takes out the Eskimo knife.

BENNY

That's a beaut. Boss, this is going to

hurt me more then it will you.

101.

SANTA CLAUS

You are hereby officially terminated.

BENNY

Help me hold him down.

As Santa fidgets, boys grab a hold of his arms. Santa struggles

mightily. Benny punches him in the face.

DWIGHTY

You punched Santa. You bad.

Benny cuts into Santa's neck. Benny pulls out the implant.

WYATT

See, I wasn't crazy like everyone

said. Santa, we need your help.

DWIGHTY

Yeah, Santa, some mean-ass aliens want

to do nasty stuff.

SANTA CLAUS

What in the world? Benny, what are you

doing here? Why am I dressed in this

manner? What is the meaning of this? I

demand answers.

BENNY

Santa is back to himself.

(to Santa)

Boss, this is what happened...

TRANSITION TO:

INT. SANTA'S SLEIGH - NIGHT

Santa, Wyatt, Benny and Dwighty are present.

WYATT

Where are we going, Santa?

SANTA CLAUS

To the North Pole, my boy. I figure

we're going to need some back up.

(to Benny)

You think your men are up to the task?

BENNY

I believe so, boss. I can still call

you boss, boss?

102.

SANTA CLAUS

(patting Benny on knee)

I wouldn't have it any other way,

Benjamin.

EXT. NORTH POLE - NIGHT

Santa's sleigh lands. Curious Elves gather around.

BENNY

(to Elves)

Listen up. I'm going to need your help

for an important mission.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Santa, Dwighty and Wyatt are present. Santa opens a medicine

bottle.

SANTA CLAUS

Oh dear, this situation isn't helping

my blood pressure.

Santa swallows a pill. Benny enters.

BENNY

Boss, we're all ready.

SANTA CLAUS

Very well. Boys?

DWIGHTY

Wyatt, what now?

WYATT

Well...um...you know, I do know

someone who is really smart who I

think can help.

DWIGHTY

Let me take a wild guess.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

In Santa's sleigh, Benny, who grasps the reins, and Wyatt, are

seated.

INT. SLEIGH - NIGHT

BENNY

Are we going to be able to find this

Brooke?

103.

WYATT

At this hour, she has to be home.

BENNY

When I was a boy, I had a bad case of

the cutes for this gal. Oh, I can

picture Titania now. Gleaming purple

eyes, blue hair, a face brighter than

the sun, she towered over me. She had

to be at four feet tall, without

heels.

WYATT

Purple eyes?

BENNY

The brightest purple. So bright, they

sparkled. Spent a year in Archery

studies together, and every day for a

year, I admired her beauty and vowed I

would ask her to my patch of forest to

sip bark root tea. And every day, I

chickened out. Then, when I finally

did muster up the courage, it was too

late. She was already sipping bark

root tea with another fellow. Though,

since then, my brother and I have

patched things up.

EXT. BROOKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Sleigh quietly lands.

INT. BROOKE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Brooke awakens to the sound of pebbles that hit her window. She

goes to the window and slides it open.

BROOKE

Wyatt!

WYATT

Hey Brooke. Sorry about waking you up.

Benny mock COUGHS.

WYATT

Oh yeah, this is my friend Benny. He

works for Santa. We need your help.

104.

BROOKE

Hold on, I'll come down.

EXT. BROOKE'S HOUSE BACKYARD - NIGHT

Brooke, dressed in a warm jacket, exits back patio door. She

hugs Wyatt. Wyatt stands there speechless; Benny nudges him.

WYATT

We need your help at the North Pole.

BROOKE

You want me to go to the North Pole?

What about my parents?

WYATT

If we don't defeat the aliens, you may

not even have parents tomorrow.

BROOKE

Let's go.

EXT. NORTH POLE - NIGHT

Sleigh lands and comes to a halt.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Brooke, Wyatt, Dwighty, Benny and Santa are present.

BENNY

Boss, the elves are ready.

SANTA CLAUS

Well, I'm not a general. And they're

not an army. I'm not sure what to do.

BROOKE

Mr. Kringle, may I?

SANTA CLAUS

Certainly, young lady.

105.

BROOKE

Okie-dokie. What do we know about the

aliens? That for some reason, possibly

because their own world is drying up,

they need to populate Earth. And, to

do that, they need to make Earth a

water world. But, like slugs, salt is

deadly to them. However, they need Mr.

Kringle to use his magic dust to help

them turn people into mind-controlled

slaves to help them re-build this

world for themselves.

WYATT

And for food.

DWIGHTY

Man, I ain't no alien happy meal.

BROOKE

My guess is that they still think Mr.

Kringle is on his journey, but not for

long. When they see he's not, their

going to want to investigate.

WYATT

(proudly, to Benny)

I told you she was smart.

BROOKE

I have an few ideas. Mr. Kringle, do

you have water balloons, super soakers

and water blasters?

SANTA CLAUS

I believe so. They are popular toys.

BROOKE

How about spray tanks that you might

use to paint toys?

SANTA CLAUS

The elves hand paint the toys. I

wouldn't have it any other way.

BROOKE

We could use high pressure sprayers.

Like car washes have.

106.

Dwighty FLASHBACKS to: Henry at the airfield, saying, "in the

summer I go south and help with the crop dusting."

DWIGHTY

I know where we can get some of those.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Benny and Dwighty are seated in the sleigh as it sails through

the night.

DWIGHTY

Man, it's cold.

Benny picks up a Russian-style wool hat and places it on

Dwighty's head.

EXT. AIRFIELD - NIGHT

Henry, seated, enjoys some Dixieland jazz, and welcomes Dwighty

and Benny.

HENRY

I know what you said on the phone, but

I can't just fly up to the North Pole.

It's dangerous.

DWIGHTY

Henry, remember what you said about

serving a higher purpose? Well, I'm

ready to do that. You're an

inspiration and I need your help.

HENRY

My plane simply can't make it that

far, that fast. It's not the Space

Shuttle, for crying out loud.

BENNY

I have a solution for that.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Reindeer fly, attached to the sleigh with Benny and Dwighty in

it, with Henry's plane being towed behind it.

INT. HENRY'S PLANE - NIGHT

HENRY

I haven't seen anything like this

before, not even in 'Nam.

107.

INT. SIRCOLIGIAN SPACESHIP COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

A holographic panel is surrounded by a sharp blue light.

Lieutenant Sircoligian looks at screen, then slithers over to

Commander, who floats in a water pod and has a mouth full of a

giant fresh-water eel.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS KITCHEN - NIGHT

Marstad and another elf, MARTY, enter and lift a large ten

gallon drum. They begin to haul it out, but Marty stops and

points to a label that reads: SUGAR. They drop it and lift

another drum with a label that reads: SALT. Marstad gives a

"thumbs up".

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Group of elves are busy filling up a large batch of water

balloons, water blasters and super soakers with salt water

flowing with intensity from hoses.

EXT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Hoses are attached to spray tanks on Henry's plane.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Brooke holds a notepad and marker.

BROOKE

Wyatt, I need to know everything you

remember about the layout of the

spaceship. Every nook, every cranny.

How these creatures move, what their

strengths are, how they think.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Santa and Mrs. Claus are alone in a quiet room.

MRS. CLAUS

Pumpkin, I'm scared.

SANTA CLAUS

Rose, good always triumphs over evil.

You must believe. We all must believe.

Mrs. Claus embraces him.

108.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Benny looks through a toy telescope and GULPS.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Spaceship appears.

EXT. NORTH POLE - NIGHT

All is quiet as Santa sits on his sleigh, which is loaded up

with bulging toy sacks.

INT. SIRCOLIGIAN SPACESHIP COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

Sircoligians POV: Santa on the sleigh.

Commander issues a command to his Lieutenant.

EXT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Santa and the sleigh dematerialize.

INT. SIRCOLIGIAN SPACESHIP - NIGHT

A team of three Sircoligians enter the dimly lit stainless steel

arrival chamber. Sircoligian loudly "speaks" to Santa, who

doesn't respond. Sircoligian jostles Santa, causes its head to

fall off, and reveals it to be a paper mache figure as the

implant falls to the ground.

From the toy sacks, a swarm of elves, which include Marstad and

Ognian, gush forth, who brandish their toy weapons and shoot the

lethal water. The Sicroligians hit, they smolder/burn, leaving a

pile of gooey fluid.

Dog-opus floats in, sees the sight of dead Sircoligians and

"runs" off, with WHIMPERS.

Marstad motions the elves to quietly hide behind the sleigh.

INT. SPACESHIP COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

Dog-opus whimpers in. Commander issues order to his Lieutenant.

A holographic screen displays: ARRIVAL CHAMBER lights up to

reveal, from different angles, the dead aliens, headless Santa

and elves hidden behind the sleigh. Commander angrily issues

orders to his Lieutenant.

109.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

A group of six Sircoligians, carrying laser-guns, proceed

towards the arrival chamber.

Suddenly, from the ceiling, Elves drop onto the aliens, taking

them down. Some of the aliens drop their weapons. Elves bombard

them with salt water sprays. Struggle ensues. Elves manage to

kill four aliens, which leaves puddles of alien goo-blood. Elf

is shot, but alive. Marstad runs under Sicroligian, Super Soaks

its back, causing it to smolder. Elf kicks surviving alien in

groin, causing it to drop and moan in agony.

OGNIAN

Maybe their not so different from us

after all.

Thrown by Marstad, a water balloon smashes into the alien's

face. It smolders.

MARSTAD

Trust me. They are.

INT. SPACESHIP COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

Holographic screen shows carnage in corridor. Dog-opus hides

behind a console. Commander barks out an order.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

On opposite ends, two partitions slide down, trapping in the

Elves. Water begins to flood the area.

ELF #1

This can't be good, mates.

MARSTAD

Quick, see if you can get those doors

open.

Elves begin to try and pry open the partitions, kick it open,

bang on it, etc. to no avail.

From his jacket, Marstad takes out a walkie talkie.

MARSTAD

(into walkie talkie)

Brooke, M here. Respond.

BROOKE (O.S.)

Brooke.

110.

MARSTAD

We have a situation here. We've taken

out a few of them, but now we're here

in some kind of hallway and water is

coming in. Fast, I might add.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Brooke stands beside Santa, Wyatt, Dwighty, Benny and Henry.

BROOKE

Are there any doors, wall panels -

anything that you can break loose?

MARSTAD (O.S.)

We're checking now. Not having any

luck.

BROOKE

What else do you see?

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

MARSTAD

Only a bunch of dead aliens. And a

bunch of sticky gooey stuff that came

from them.

WYATT

That's their blood.

BROOKE (O.S.)

How gooey is it?

MARSTAD

Taffy-ish.

Water is up to the Elves waist level.

BROOKE (O.S.)

Try and use that goo to plug the vents

where the water's coming from.

MARSTAD

Will do. Over.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Brooke has spread out, on a table, a large piece of paper with a

crude drawing of the spaceship and calculations scribbled on it.

111.

BROOKE

(to Benny)

Go check on our salt supplies.

Benny runs out.

BROOKE

Based on my calculations and

observations, I figure that the ship's

power source is located right about

here.

Brooke points to the left underside of the ship.

BROOKE

We need to find a way to take that

out.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Water level is up to Elves mouths.

ANGLE ON: UNDER WATER, ELVES WORK FEVERISHLY TO GRAB ALIEN GOO

AND PLUG WATER SPROUTS.

EXT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

HENRY

I think I can do it.

DWIGHTY

Come again.

HENRY

I think I can do the damage. I keep a

supply of dynamite on board. Just in

case I'm stuck in bad ice or a snow

bank.

SANTA CLAUS

Son, that'd be taking too big a risk.

Henry runs out of the room.

DWIGHTY

(turns to Santa)

We should all try and serve a higher

purpose.

112.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Water has stopped rising, to just below Elves lips.

MARSTAD

All okay?

ELF #1

It's times like this I wish I was

taller.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Henry's airplane is headed straight towards the underside of the

spaceship.

EXPLOSION. Tilting, the spaceship falls towards Earth.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Elves, along with the ship, crash to the ground, causing one of

the partitions to twist and bend slightly upward, enough for a

small body to squeeze through.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Brooke, Wyatt, Dwighty and Santa are startled by an explosion.

DWIGHTY

Henry!

They run to the outside, except for Santa. Santa reaches into

his pocket and takes out a bottle of pills.

SANTA CLAUS

Maybe doctors aren't quacks after all.

INT. SPACESHIP COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

On a holographic screen, Santa appears, as he swallows his

medicine. Furiously, Commander issues order to Lieutenant.

EXT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Wyatt, Brooke and Dwighty arrive at the burning wreckage of the

plane.

DWIGHTY

Oh man, this is all my fault. I didn't

mean for Henry to die.

113.

BROOKE

He was a brave man.

Henry sits on the ground nearby, with a parachute behind him.

HENRY

If you're all done writing my

obituary, I could use some help.

They run over to Henry.

DWIGHTY

Henry, you're alive!?

HENRY

I wasn't about to blow myself up. I

dedicate that mission to my friends I

left behind in Asia in '68.

BROOKE

We better get him inside.

HENRY

Don't worry, I disconnected my tanks

first.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Wyatt, Dwighty and Brooke help Henry inside. Benny enters.

BENNY

Bad news, miss Brooke. No more salt.

BROOKE

None at all?

BENNY

Every last drop is gone.

DWIGHTY

Go get more.

BENNY

You see any salt stores around? Lots

of white stuff, but it ain't salt.

BROOKE

Utah.

114.

WYATT

Utah?

DWIGHTY

There's a lake there with the saltiest

water on Earth.

Everyone stares at Dwighty.

DWIGHTY

You all think I don't know anything?

Got an A last semester in geography.

BROOKE

Henry, how much can your tanks hold?

HENRY

Roughly three hundred gallons.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

What appears to be a shooting star turns out to be a sleigh,

pulled by reindeer, and with two very large tanks secured to the

sides, and Benny and Henry its passengers.

INT. SLEIGH - NIGHT

HENRY

I've never been to Utah before.

BENNY

Welcome to the club.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

WYATT

Hey, I don't see Santa.

DWIGHTY

Maybe he needed to make time with the

wife, if you catch my drift.

BROOKE

Dwighty, you can be so crude

sometimes. Wyatt, go see if you cn

find Mr. Kringle. But, don't go too

far.

WYATT

Right.

115.

Wyatt runs out.

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

Elves are engaged in full battle with the a troop of

Sircoligians.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Wyatt, out of breath, runs back in.

WYATT

No sign of him anywhere. You don't

think...

BROOKE

I regret to say this, but it's a good

possibility that he was abducted.

WYATT

Then I have to go get him.

BROOKE

Wyatt, be logical. That would be too

dangerous. And, we don't know for

certain that's what happened.

WYATT

I gave up believing in Santa. Thought

I was too old to still believe in that

kind of stuff. Now I realize that my

believing, and your believing and the

whole world believing is what gives

Santa his power. I can't let Santa

down. Dwighty, stay here and look

after Brooke.

Wyatt rushes out.

DWIGHTY

My bro has a higher purpose to serve.

BROOKE

You really like saying that, don't

you?

INT. SPACESHIP UNDERSIDE - NIGHT

Wyatt climbs into an opening caused by explosion.

116.

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

Wyatt enters a quiet section, and undetected, looks around.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

BROOKE

(into walkie talkie)

Brooke calling M. Over.

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

As Elves battle the aliens, having taken out a number of them,

with a few elf casualties, Marstad answers the walkie talkie.

MARSTAD

(into walkie talkie)

M here.

BROOKE (O.S.)

What is your status?

MARSTAD

Hard to say. There seems to be no end

to how many of these buggers are here.

Our supply of salt water is getting

low. Gotta go.

Marstad runs to help an elf that's taken a nasty fang bite from

a Sircoligian.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Wyatt slowly walks along, through the wet area and stepping over

dead Sircoligians. He arrives at the Command Center and peeks

in.

INT. SPACESHIP COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

Santa is laying on a gurney.

INT. SPACESHIP CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Dog-opus floats in, yelps, and excitedly licks Wyatt's face.

WYATT

(whispering)

Not now, boy.

Wyatt looks up to notice: armed Sircoligian GUARD.

117.

INT. SPACESHIP COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

Wyatt is dragged in, followed by Dog-opus. Commander and his

Lieutenant flank him, and begin to poke him with their

"fingers".

WYATT

Don't touch me with those grimy

things. Santa...Santa...no, not again.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Benny and Henry have returned.

BENNY

What now, Miss Brooke?

BROOKE

Wyatt and Santa are in the ship.

HENRY

What? How did that happen?

Henry glances at Dwighty.

DWIGHTY

Don't look at me. Wasn't my doing.

(to Henry, admiring his jacket)

I really like the threads. I'm going

to have to get me one of those.

BROOKE

If there is a way we can take the

filled tanks and flood out their ship,

we may have a chance.

Brooke points to her drawing of the ship.

BROOKE

Here are exhaust vents, but their high

up, even with the ship on the ground.

We would need to do this as quietly as

possible. And, we don't have

hovercraft, unfortunately.

118.

BENNY

Miss Brooke. The retired reindeer are

able to float in the air, like a

helicopter, only without the sound of

blades. That's one of the things Boss

could never get the new 'uns to do.

Maybe it's takes lots of practice.

INT. SIRCOLIGIAN SPACESHIP COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

Guard is constraining Wyatt.

WYATT

Santa, don't let these slime balls

push you around. Millions of kids

believe in you and need you.

Santa lays there, staring straight ahead. Lieutenant talks to

Commander, who then gleefully nods his head. Lieutenant signals

to Guard, who sits Santa right side up. He hands Santa his laser

gun and issues an order to him. Santa slowly takes the gun and

points it at Wyatt. Sircoligians "LAUGH".

WYATT

(nearly in tears)

Santa...Santa...

Santa abruptly points the gun at the Guard and fires, killing it

and causing goo to shoot all over. Santa immediately fires on

the Commander and Lieutenant.

WYATT

Santa! I knew you couldn't shoot me.

But, how...

SANTA CLAUS

When I was brought back on board, I

quickly began meditating. Putting my

mind in such a state blocked their

mind control.

Santa reaches into his collar and removes the implant, which he

tosses aside.

SANTA CLAUS

My boy, what do you say we skedaddle.

119.

EXT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

The retired Reindeer hover, as Henry and Benny stand on the

sleigh, and rig up hoses from the high pressure spray tanks to

the Spaceship's vents.

INT. SPACESHIP UNDERSIDE - NIGHT

Dog-opus jumps on Wyatt's shoulder and licks his face. Santa and

Wyatt exit through the explosion opening.

INT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

BROOKE

(into walkie talkie)

Marstad, we've got three hundred

gallons of hurt coming your way.

Vacate as soon as possible.

INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT

Clouds of water vapor and water fill the air; Sircoligians begin

to smolder and die, some let out "MOANS" as they do so. A few

still try to fight, but it's no use.

EXT. SPACESHIP UNDERSIDE - NIGHT

Elves, mostly bloody and bruised, scramble out to meet Wyatt and

Santa, as Henry, Dwighty, Benny and Brooke come out to hug them.

WYATT

You think we got them all?

BROOKE

I believe so. Three hundred gallons

will reach every inch of that craft.

Just to be on the safe side, Mr.

Kringle, I have one more mission for

the reindeer.

EXT. SKY - NIGHT

Reindeer are towing the Spaceship towards a smoldering volcano.

EXT. VOLCANO - NIGHT

Spaceship crashes through the rim, plunges into the volcano.

120.

EXT. SANTA CLAUS HEADQUARTER - NIGHT

SANTA CLAUS

I know of plenty of boys and girls

waiting for toys. I could use some

help, if you happen to know of two

fine young men who'd be willing to

join me.

WYATT/DWIGHTY

Yeah!

Santa walks away.

WYATT

Santa, where you going?

SANTA CLAUS

I'd like to change into more

appropriate dress. And, I have friends

I left behind.

EXT. REINDEER STABLES - NIGHT

Santa, now dressed in his red suit, attaches the harness to the

retired reindeer.

SANTA CLAUS

What you guys did made me proud.

(to reindeer)

Can you ever forgive me?

Reindeer lick Santa's face.

SANTA CLAUS

I love you too.

MONTAGE:

Santa on his Christmas run delivers gifts, with Wyatt and

Dwighty helping out.

Dwighty helps himself to Santa's cookies.

Formerly retired reindeer lick Wyatt's face.

Kirima opening a gift: a beautiful new hunting knife.

Time Magazine cover: Santa under the heading "MAN OF THE YEAR"

Wyatt enters his house to be hugged tightly by Martha.

121.

Wyatt unwraps a gift: Death Hunter 2.

Santa and Mrs. Claus enjoy a walk together, holding hands, on a

beach.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Wyatt walks Brooke home from school. They walk by Moose.

MOOSE

(to Wyatt)

Even though everyone thinks you're

cool now and you know Santa, I still

think you're a freak.

BROOKE

Eugene, you know what you are? You're

a...

WYATT

Brooke, please, allow me.

(to Moose)

Get counseling, my good man. Then

we'll talk.

Wyatt lightly taps his hand on Moose's left cheek. Brooke and

Wyatt continue on their way.

WYATT

I know a great little out of the way

ice cream shop. They make the best

three scoop sundaes, with extra hot

fudge.

BROOKE

Hmmm...delicious.

Dwighty, who wears a leather Flying Ace jacket, arrives on a

colorful skateboard.

DWIGHTY

Yo, yo, yo. Check out the new wheels.

Watch this.

Dwighty tries to do a kickflip, but wipes out.

DWIGHTY

I'm getting the hang of it.

Wyatt and Brooke continue on their way. Dwighty skateboards

after them.

122.

DWIGHTY

Where you cats kickin' it? Hey, let's

go hit the arcade.

BROOKE

We're going to get ice cream.

DWIGHTY

Ice cream? Sure, I can go for ice

cream. Or, maybe yogurt. You know, ice

cream is loaded with cholesterol.

WYATT

Dwighty, no offense, but we'd like to

be alone.

DWIGHTY

High cholesterol runs in my family.